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Ice cream? No Nak__ think extravagantly. Vanilla ice cream? No grander. How about a triple scoop of chocolate chip ice cream with hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream and a big…
“Excuse me sir, sir?” The patient waiter motioned to take my menu, freeing my mind from its tantalizing affair with ice cream. Minutes later, he placed a lofty sundae in front of my eyes triggering a tingling sensation down my spine. I took a moment to admire the craftiness, before grabbing the closest spoon and digging in. Within the next three minutes, I devoured the sundae leaving my mind refreshed and spirits high. I raised my hand once again summoning the waiter for a menu. After a little contemplation I reached a decision. “ Now for my main meal,” I explained, “ I’ll take the grilled lemon chicken.”
Take a look at the picture a little closer. Four brownies, three scoops of ice cream, a cherry, whipped cream: the whole works. Now imagine, it was all gone in less than three minutes. (That’s an alarming rate of one scoop a minute) I always knew I had a large appetite for dessert but discovering how fast I could eat it was a revelation. My talent found light rather surprisingly. During my sister’s seventh birthday party, my mom arranged an ice-cream eating contest sans arms. The second I heard the word “GO”, my instincts took over, as I plunged into the sea of chocolate yogurt. After licking the bowl clean, I scanned the contestants around me before standing up. Unfortunately, the feeling of victory was somewhat bittersweet. Although my mom acknowledged my triumph, she gave the prize to the runner up. It took me so long to comprehend why my mom denied me the reward that was rightfully mine, in fact, I never really understood why. However, I did formulate the idea that although winning is not always rewarded, one should continue to try to win. These are flowery words for the concept of self-motivation, an idea I possess that landed me employment at an early age.
My expression of self-motivation is most evident in my commitment to work. Beginning in eighth grade, I became the beneficiary of a job opening at Baskin Robbins. Besides for working in paradise, I received a steady income. Working at such a young age taught me the responsibilities that a job demands. Since weekends were when I had the most time, I woke up Saturday mornings at times when people my age were still fast asleep. It took a quick shot of cappuccino, to stir life back into me. I chose to work at a young age, because naturally I wanted the opportunity to make some pocket money, however I also wanted to challenge myself with the new responsibilities. Looking back, I think that maybe I was just in a hurry to grow up, to develop a new perspective on life different from that of the average middle-schooler. Working presented me with a different attitude and exposed me to ideas that were more relevant to the world than the school dance. Now, almost four years later I still hold the same lucrative job putting my savings together to travel.
Throughout my childhood, dessert was always a symbol of reward. As a kid, if I survived the dreaded tetanus shot, my mom treated me to an ice cream. When I received my fourth grade report card, my mom once again took me to the parlor. However, ever since I started working, the rewards seemed to stop. I think my parents acknowledged by newfound motivation, which was reassuring, because they were my toughest critics. Their confidence in me allowed me to grow confident in my abilities. I think I finally understand now why my mom held that coveted prize from me. Last week when I received my first paycheck at my new job, I cashed it on my way home. When I saw my mom, I took her hand and had her follow me. I drove to the nearest Baskin Robbins and treated her to an ice-cream cone.

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 09:07 pm: Edit

just want to bring this to the top...thanks

By Nealp (Nealp) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 09:26 pm: Edit

its kinda bad. sorry. the ice cream and reward thing doesn't say much more than " i like ice scream"

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 11:01 pm: Edit

bump

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 11:57 pm: Edit

bizump

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 04:03 pm: Edit

The essay is horrible, I'm sorry. Doesn't say anything about you, no point, poor sentence structure, etc. I would suggest starting over from scratch.

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 04:50 pm: Edit

ok...i had a feeling it wasnt that great

By Jayv85 (Jayv85) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 06:01 pm: Edit

You repeat yourself.

like

"It took me so long to comprehend why my mom denied me the reward that was rightfully mine, in fact, I never really understood why."

It would be better if you wrote something like:

"I never completely understood why my mother had denied me claim to the prize."

Of course, I'm not perfect (just read my essay, haha) but you already stated in the beginning of the sentence that you didn't know why ("It took me so long to comprehend"). You don't have to state it a second time ("I never really understood why")

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 08:36 pm: Edit

any other opinions

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 09:22 pm: Edit

Yea, i thought it centered WAY too much on you liking ice cream.

It's as if the reader expects you to segway from ice cream to something deeper, but instead.....more ice cream.

Also, saying things like "sans arms" makes you sound like you're TRYING to sound smart.

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 09:27 pm: Edit

ok..before i edit it any more suggestions