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I wrote an essay about an event in my life that changed who I am. I, however, do not know if it appropriate and secondly if the essay even makes sense. Please look it over and let the criticism flow.


“Lauren, do you disagree?” I am lost within my mind; my head is shaking vehemently, my heart pounds, my stomach sinks. I am within the single most embarrassing moment in my life and no one knows. I answer passively with a lump in my throat, “no ma’am”. I had done it again, disappeared into my inner world. I was trying to get rid of that single reoccurring thought, “There is no God, there is no God, there is no God…”. Every time it occurred it had to go and often I ended up fighting it to a point that it shown, to my disgrace, on the outside.
The experience was a climax to a change of perception of my world, my personality, my family and my faith. Often one reaches a point where they can get no further unless that are completely knocked down and rebuilt. I had reached a point in my life that I thought I was who I was—a quiet, passive, and rather closed-minded individual. In the summer before my sophomore year I would be imploded.
It was a wonderful beautiful day near the end of May when your mind is set on nothing but the summer ahead. My dad called a family meeting. This was nothing atypical of my family; it probably meant that there would be a change in the allowance policy, possibly a raise. No such bliss followed however. My parents announced that my mom was planning on moving out to go live with her family in Houston. It did not register in my mind but suddenly my face was wet and my chin was shivering. “It’s nothing permanent, we just can’t agree on things right now.” Now my feet were taking me to my room.
Having grown up in the environment that I had, my mind could not understand what had occurred. My family was incredibly structured. My parents were devoutly Christian. My dad was even involved with ministry on and off. The word divorce was a dirty word in my house; it was something that only happened to people in the secular world; it happened to people that were dirty and undeserving. My foundation, my family structure and faith, were ripped from underneath me. The absolutely impossible had occurred. In the months after my mom announced she was leaving she moved in and out several times. I could not bare the constant uncertainty and the dirtiness I felt for being a part of such an event and soon became ill. I didn’t eat for an entire month and was tormented daily as I tried to hold onto my faith while everything that I was seeing was telling me that there was no use for it. When school started I was forced to drop down to lower level classes as I struggled to pay attention to what was occurring in class.
Further into that fall I decided that I would no longer let my circumstances control me and that instead I would control them. Instead of being passive I pushed every last button to be admitted back into the honors classes that I had desired to take. A week after one teacher laughed at me for trying to get into her class I was in it. I suppressed my obsessive thoughts that had so distracted me and drove away any ounce of depression. When my mom left permanently in January it did not budge me in the slightest way because I had matured to a point that I had become used to hardship and refused to be bothered by it. Soon after my mother left I found myself as part of a new family. My dad had remarried and I was no joined by two new siblings.
I no longer felt that I was not worthy to be associated with. I understood life from a different perspective. My religion was gone and what I have now is true faith. I learned that children are taught many social stigmatisms and are unaware of it that. That people in blended families, those struggling with mental problems, people who take part in the occasional wrongdoing are not to be looked upon as sinners and shunned but rather are just like the typical person who accidentally ran into a problem and need instead to be supported.
“Ah goo, ah goo” I tickle my smiling baby sister whom I love very much just thinking that if my life hadn’t changed I would have never had her. I would have never been able to grasp onto life as I grew older and instead would have remained closed-minded. As I reflect I realize that change is positive. I realize that at the ripe age of 17 there is a lot more change to come and I am ready for it.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 08:20 pm: Edit

I like the essay but let me give you an idea of how common this topic is. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Let's pick an arbitrary number that 10% (extremely low) of these divorces happen to people with kids while they are still kids. That means that one in every ten applicants has divorced parents. Let's say that one in ten of those applicants writes about the divorce. This means that the reader of your essay has read hundreds, maybe thousands of essays on divorce. Is your essay good enough to impress the AO? Not to mention that if the reader has divorced parents, they will be biased when they read your essay. It may give them bitter feelings because of the reminder of their parents. Do you want to take this risk?

To answer your question, it isn't too personal. If anything it isn't personal enough!

By Frizzbug (Frizzbug) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 08:58 pm: Edit

Thank you for your commentary. One thing that was unique about mu situation was that divorce had been so unheard of in my family. Also, I was struggling with OCD and depression at the time. I didn't come out and state it in the essay because it is something that I'm pretty uncomfortable talking about. Should I be less subtle about that?

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 09:08 pm: Edit

Adcoms like to see that you've overcome challenges, so maybe you can talk about OCD, but, from what I heard, depression is a no-no.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 09:11 pm: Edit

Yes! Tell more about that stuff, but don't bum the reader. Even the depression thing is pretty common. OCD is a rare topic though. I didn't know that you could struggle with it though. Isn't that like struggling with ADD? I feel bad about my negative post so here is what I suggest you try.

Rather than saying how devestating the divorce was, but that you learned there were good parts and grew, say something else. Say something like this: I was diagnosed with OCD and trivialities(real word?) such as a crooked picture frame bothered me. Imagine how my world was turned upside-down when I discovered my mom was moving out of the house. I felt that I couldn't survive, the carpet had been swept from right under me. blah blah blah
ya know wut i mean?

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 09:12 pm: Edit

Haha pistolpete, I agree...

By Aerobex (Aerobex) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 10:22 pm: Edit

I personally would stay away from Depression, because depression = suicide and Alot of college have to deal with that every year, they dont need a potential basket case, that might do something crazy!!!!!

By Frizzbug (Frizzbug) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 10:42 pm: Edit

Thanks everyone. Just to clear something up about OCD. It's not necessarily a I have to clean everything thing. OCD manifested itself in me as repitive thoughts that I couldn't get out of mind that bothered me. When the thoughts came to me I felt that I had to do something to get them out and often it would cause me to shake my head. I learned how to control it though, thank goodness. No more questioning glances for me. My essay is partly over overcoming that.

By Delirious (Delirious) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 10:50 pm: Edit

You need a better transition between your state of feeling bad and state of feeling like you want to succeed. Its an important part of your story that would reveal a lot more about you.

By Clickspring (Clickspring) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 11:45 pm: Edit

eh, it's not origional. millions of kids have experienced divorce and thought it could never happen in their family. besides, your beginning paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of your essay. that's your most embarassing moment? narrow your topic and be more specific. i'm not sure that shows that you're ready to be a contributing member of a college community.

By Frizzbug (Frizzbug) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 06:46 pm: Edit

I edited my essay! I barely hit on the divorce thing. I tried to just explian that it happened and that I had been so immature that it had a large effect on me. I added a part describing the OCD. I still want to change it a little more but I was just wondering what you would think about the initial changes. Oh, by the way, the entering narrative is a description of an episode of OCD that I had during a class. I hope with the added information later in the essay that that will make sense now.

“Lauren, do you disagree?” I am lost within my mind; my head is shaking vehemently, my heart pounds, my stomach sinks. I am within the single most embarrassing moment in my life and no one knows. I answer passively with a lump in my throat, “no ma’am”. I had done it again, disappeared into my inner world. I was trying to get rid of that single reoccurring thought, “There is no God, there is no God, there is no God…”. Every time it occurred it had to go and often I ended up fighting it to a point that it shown, to my disgrace, on the outside.
The experience was a climax to a change of perception of my world, my personality, my family and my faith. Often one reaches a point where they can get no further unless that are completely knocked down and rebuilt. I had reached a point in my life that I thought I was who I was—a quiet, passive, and rather closed-minded individual. In the summer before my sophomore year I would be imploded.
Having grown up in the environment that I had, my mind could not understand what had occurred. My family was incredibly structured. My parents were devoutly Christian. My dad was even involved with ministry on and off. The word divorce was a dirty word in my house; it was something that only happened to people in the secular world; it happened to people that were dirty and undeserving. My foundation, my family structure and faith, were ripped from underneath me. The absolutely impossible had occurred. In the months after my mom announced she was leaving she moved in and out several times. I could not bare the constant uncertainty and the dirtiness I felt for being a part of such an event and soon became ill. I was rather embarrassed when my inside tormenting surfaced as obsessive compulsive behavior. My mind began harassing me sending the same incessant thoughts that would tear me down. I was trying so hard to hold onto my faith and my mind was literally repeating the opposite of what I held sacred. When those thoughts came to me a feeling would build up side of me and my body soon learned that if I shook my head fiercely the thoughts would stop. I was a passenger inside of a wrecking train as I could not control what was happening to me. When school started I was forced to drop down to lower level classes as I struggled to pay attention to what was occurring in class.
Further into that fall I decided that I would no longer let my circumstances control me and that instead I would control them. Instead of being passive I pushed every last button to be admitted back into the honors classes that I had desired to take. A week after one teacher laughed at me for trying to get into her class I was in it. I suppressed my obsessive thoughts that had so distracted me. When my mom left permanently in January it did not budge me in the slightest way because I had matured to a point that I had become used to hardship and refused to be bothered by it. Soon after my mother left I found myself as part of a new family. My dad had remarried and I was no joined by two new siblings.
I no longer felt that I was not worthy to be associated with. I understood life from a different perspective. My religion was gone and what I have now is true faith. I learned that children are taught many social stigmatisms and are unaware of it that. That people in blended families, those struggling with mental problems, people who take part in the occasional wrongdoing are not to be looked upon as sinners and shunned but rather are just like the typical person who accidentally ran into a problem and need instead to be supported
Ah goo, ah goo” I tickle my smiling baby sister whom I love very much just thinking that if my life hadn’t changed I would have never had her. I would have never been able to grasp onto life as I grew older and instead would have remained closed-minded. As I reflect I realize that change is positive. I realize that at the ripe age of 17 there is a lot more change to come and I am ready for it.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 06:57 pm: Edit

I like that you took a bit of the divorce out, but I still don't like this essay.

First of all, I don't think you have OCD. Many people have trouble getting thoughts out of their heads, including myself. Obsessing in your thoughts is not what OCD is about.

The paragraphs aren't related. First you write about no faith in God, then divorce, then faith, then your baby sister. I find this essay frustrating. You don't explain how you grew and these are a bunch of isolated incidences with no relation. YOu say that you matured. You don't show it, you don't explain why or how. Use some details. Give this essay some meat.

The divorce essay topic is like AA. We have the option to use it, but if you have character, you don't need to fall back on it.

By Geniusash (Geniusash) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 07:15 pm: Edit

OCD is an Obsession linked to a compulsion. Her obsessive thoughts lead to compulsive head shaking

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 08:04 pm: Edit

Oh. Well, what if it is that she has problems focusing. Rather than be able to concentrate on something else, she has to shake her head in order to think about her head shaking rather than God? What then? Huh?? :P j/k

Don't we all have obsessive thoughts?

By Clickspring (Clickspring) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 08:10 pm: Edit

have you been clinically dosed with OCD or do you just consider yourself to be afflicted with it?

By Frizzbug (Frizzbug) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 09:05 pm: Edit

I was diagnosed with it. I know it seems real out there. I had never had a problem before that happened to me and I probably would have said the same things that everyone is saying when they were posting. But believe me it was no fun and if I had a choice it wouldn't have happened to me. Maybe I should scrap this whole idea but then I don't know what I should write about because that was really the hardest thing for me to overcome and it changed my character tremenduously.