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Aight here is a new one please look it over. Let me know what you think, this was a serious event for me so I hope I express it well... Thanks for the help here is the essay

Pain violently shot up my leg and I limped off the field for the second time last season. I slowly made my way over to the trainer who asked in disbelief if I had re-injured my left hamstring. I managed to inform him, in between deep gasps of breath, that I had now injured my right hamstring. Two months of physical therapy had gone to waste and I was suddenly back at square one, but instead of one bad hamstring, I now had two. The physical pain I felt could not compare with the emotional devistation I just endured. The season I had worked so hard for now appeared to be lost forever. My chance to prove I was one of the best lacrosse players in the South Florida suddenly vanished. My hopes sank so low I even contemplated quitting the sport that I loved so dear. Lacrosse was my passion, and I thought without lacrosse I was nothing.

The next few days, after the injury, were the most painful I have ever had to tolerate. I was empty inside knowing that my high school lacrosse career was in jeopardy. I was depressed for the first time in my life; just as I was reaching my peak performance I was knocked down. I felt utterly horrible. Whenever someone questioned me about my injury I would quickly retort, “I don’t want to talk about it” and walk away.

My dad, who has also struggled with career threatening injuries, managed to calm me down and talk to me about my situation. He said that no matter what I did he would respect my course of action, even if I never picked up a lacrosse stick again. He also said he fully believed I could come back, but it would take an enormous amount of hard work and dedication. Only after I had sunk to the deepest depths of despair did I realize that it was possible to play the sport I loved again.

At last I finally received some good information, the doctor informed me with time and proper therapy I might be able to be back on the field next month. For the next month, I attended grueling physical therapy after school everyday. From physical therapy each day I went to school to attend the last hour of lacrosse practice. Although I could not participate, I helped the team anyway I could. I would help coach the younger players, go on ball hunts, and help motivate the players.

In three weeks, I was running again. In four weeks I began to practice with the team again. Finally, after five weeks of physical therapy I was back playing games. Although I was not back to full strength I was back play the sport I loved that had become a part of me. My traumatic injuries were a learning experience. I discovered that I could, not only, accomplish whatever I set my mind to but I could also triumph after sinking into misery.

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 10:32 pm: Edit

bump for comments

By Haan (Haan) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 11:08 pm: Edit

I think its a good rough draft and a good start but it needs more details. The reader should get a sense of who you are. I don't think you should explain at the end that u can accomplish watever u set your mind to. You should include details that show not tell so that the reader can sense automatically what time of person you are and your character.

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 11:11 pm: Edit

aight could you give examples, I am not 100% sure where you are coming from

yah its still a rough draft but I did spend a lotta time on it today I dont think the last few paragraphs are that great...

any help = Apreciated

By Isacc (Isacc) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 12:06 am: Edit

i hope you are not trying to make the lacrosse team for varsity level..why would they take a chance on you?

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 06:01 am: Edit

I am, and most coachs have already expressed a lot of interest I dont think they will ever read college essay I beleve its only read by admissions

By Athenian (Athenian) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 11:01 am: Edit

Fee:

I'm sorry, but you're essay doesn't really show any special resilience, drive, or motivation on your part.

On the contrary, it shows that YOU are weak. You're dad may have believed in you, you're doctor said that you were OK, but YOU didn't do anything to get yourself really playing again.

You should eliminate the stuff about your dad and the doctor and focus on how you came back.

Also, several of the paragraphs are wordy, and some sentences have bad grammar.

Now please rate my essay under PLEASE RATE MY ESSAY in the College Admissions forum.

- Athenian

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 11:12 am: Edit

This is essay is much better. You better not end up copying the tennis/Lance don't touch me essay! That would be pathetic. As long as you take different path, it has great potential. Good improvement!

By Chrisy (Chrisy) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 02:47 pm: Edit

Unless you're thinking of being recruited by a college, this essay will not help. You can read any college essay guide, and you will know that one of the worst things to write about is the "big game" and how you were injured but succeded in the end. From the book "Accepted!" by the Tanabes, under "Just Plain Dumb Topics": "The Big Game. Thousands will write about the big game. Be careful with this kind of topic since it is so common." Also from "On Writing the College Application Essay" by Bauld: He's not looking for "The jock('Through wrestling I have learned to set goals and to work with people.')". Also from "College Admissions Trade Secrets" by Allen: "A bad essay. 'I went through a traumatic experience and came out a better person' category, describes the struggle, and ends with some lesson learned ('persistence is the key' or 'risk-taking is worth the effort'). Usually, the application reader never gets to the end of these kinds of essays because the reader is sound asleep." Sorry if I sound cruel, but you should read a college essay guide, I suggest "Accepted!". I wish you the best of luck.

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 04:18 pm: Edit

I am being recruited by all colleges. And I know I ttired not to write about lacrosse but it is what I am most passionate about and this is an experience that did change me, so I am writing about it. It is a lot better than my pervious election essay because I want that emotional then

but thanks for the help!

I will take not of Putting too much emphasis on my dad + doctor etc...

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 04:25 pm: Edit

Whole essay cliche.

"The physical pain I felt could not compare with the emotional devistation I just endured."

-Overused

"I discovered that I could, not only, accomplish whatever I set my mind to but I could also triumph after sinking into misery."

-Horrible ending, doesn't say anything particular about you.

"My traumatic injuries were a learning experience."

-Really?

-Whole essay in general didn't tell much about you, except you overcome physical and mental pain (woopie doo)

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 09:56 pm: Edit

bump for some more reads yo

By Manhattan187 (Manhattan187) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 10:09 pm: Edit

what do you guys think of a 18 years old international student aiming for business school who started to buy stocks at the age of 17 as the only way of funding his education in US?

May that be the topic of my essay???

By Chrisy (Chrisy) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 01:54 pm: Edit

I guess you should write on this topic if it really means alot to you.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 03:46 pm: Edit

Manhattan187, investing in the stock market is an abolsute horrible way to make money for your education because of its unpredictability and recent economic slump. Second, how did you get any starting capital? Third, Adcoms will laugh at you.

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 04:35 pm: Edit

Manhattan Soorry but could you start your own post.


Chrisy it does mean a lot to me but could you offer any adivce / edits?

By Aerobex (Aerobex) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 06:14 pm: Edit

Hey I took a class at my school where for 8weeks we did nothing but College Essays, and personally it is a good essay but i think it has no point, Ok you got hurt and the doctor said ur going to be ok and ......., i really liked your detail, but the detail had no sence of direction. Maybe start off talking about the first time you picked up a LAX stick, and after your injury talk about the physical therpy, people love to hear about hardships and how you have over come them by the way dont tell a college you were "Depressed" cause they may wonder, what might happen if at their University and not doing well in school, socially, sports ect..... But with a little editing ur essay will be awesome- GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 07:40 pm: Edit

thanks much I will try to do that good advice

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 07:43 pm: Edit

bump please wheres Sluggbug!

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 09:00 pm: Edit

anyone want to help edit!

By Fee12345 (Fee12345) on Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 02:36 pm: Edit

anyone comments edits anything?

By Chrisy (Chrisy) on Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 02:45 pm: Edit

Read "On Writing the College Application Essay" by Bauld, he helps you write a great essay on a seemingly undesirable topic. Luck, Chrisy