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• Describe an experience where cultural diversity- or lack thereof- has made a difference to you.

I was born in BeiJing, China and I lived there for the first 7 years of my life. Life in China was harsh compared to that of the United States. I grew up without amenities such as internet, Nintendo, and air conditioning but my friends and I still managed to have fun by using our imaginations. When I started the first grade, I had to get up at 5 am every morning to do morning exercises that the school requires. During the school day, the teachers would yell at us and any misbehavior received a good beating.

During my years in China, my Dad was attending college in New Jersey. In 1994, my mom and I were finally able to get our visas and we moved to the United States. When I landed at JFK airport in New York City, I was shocked by the cultural differences. In the airport, there wasn’t any venders selling fake Rolexes or fake diamonds, and when my Dad took us to eat at McDonalds, I ate the strange thing called the hamburger. The very next day I went to school and I was amazed by how nice the teachers are to the students. Although I didn’t understand a word they were saying, I can tell by their smiles that they actually care about the students.

This cultural diversity was a huge change for me as I slowly adapted to becoming a Chinese American. But I have not forgotten the culture of my native country, which, along with American culture, will always be remembered.


this topic was on the UoM application and i spent days thing about it, but this is the best i can come up with. What do you guys think?

By Yonif18 (Yonif18) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 07:48 pm: Edit

Your essay is terse and simple in a very srtiking way. You describe some amazing facts without ever overdescribing. This is definately a unique essay. THe only problems: you have a problem with your tenses.
For example: "I can tell by their smiles that they actually care about the students." That should be "I could tell by their smiles that they actually cared about the students."

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 08:59 pm: Edit

Heatwave~

I honestly believe that you can do a lot better. Your essay could be compelling but try to move beyond generalities. Speak from your heart, try to use more "vivid" comparisons. What food do you remember from China? Compare that with the McDonald. Did you look for chopsticks to pick up the fries?

Move away from the Nintendo, Internet, and Rolex vendors... that is NOT what a 7 year old kid would remember. How about the clothes, the music, and HOW people looked different.

Try to go back and forth between the two cultures with colorful examples. Do not SAY that you remember your native culture. Give some examples ... Do you still read books in Chinese? Do you know some proverbs?

Again, I believe that you could make it more interesting and vibrant without spending too much time rewriting it.

By Almostdone (Almostdone) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 05:50 pm: Edit

"Move away from the Nintendo, Internet, and Rolex vendors... that is NOT what a 7 year old kid would remember. How about the clothes, the music, and HOW people looked different."

i dont think that's true. I visited korea for the first time when i was seven, and i dont remember a thing about the clothes, music, the people. well obviously, they were all korean. and NOW when i visit i notice the different styles and music, attitudes, etc. but really back then what stuck in my mind is the fact that the toilet was a hole in the floor and also the fact that it didn't rain all the time, like i thought it would. oh yeah i remember there were like 23495730945 kinds of popsicles too. sorry this is a tangent but sometimes kids dont remember what seems to be the most significant to grown-ups, so keeping stuff about nintendo and fake rolex vendors might make it sound more truthful.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 06:02 pm: Edit

"I was born in BeiJing, China and [I] lived . . "

-Cut that [I] out, parallel structure

-Many other grammatical errors, don't have time to mention all of them

-Speak from your heart, don't make generalities

-Vary sentences a bit, you mostly use simple sentences

-Use more showing instead of telling

Hope that helps.

By Andrey1225 (Andrey1225) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 07:25 pm: Edit

your sentences don't have to be so choppy, if you've lived here for 11 years and want to go to an elite college, the admissions board figures your writing style is very developed.

be more verbose, not to the point of complication, but enough so that they see youre comfortable writing a paper on literary analysis or a thesis and using words with more than two syllables.

i like the theme (im personally doing one about my family since i came here from russia when i was 3.....its under "stanford essay" please evaluate). admissions boards like to hear stories about coming from america as long as theyre presented in an original and thoughtprovoking way. right now, however, yours isnt quite original, there are going to be at least 50 kids out of the thousands who apply who will write an essay about coming from asia. MAKE YOURS STANDOUT.

This has all been constructive criticism because i like a lot of the ideas in your essay. Yonif18 is right, the tersness and lack of complexity are striking, they convey a lot in very little, which should be the whole point of a college essay. youre on the right track, just fix up a few things and it will be perfect.

By Heatwave345 (Heatwave345) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 05:31 pm: Edit

thanks for all the help. Cultural diversity was the last topic that i would like to write about, but it was a required essay on the UoM application (probably due to the Supreme Court cases). Nontheless, i will heed the suggestions and post a revised version shortly.

By Heatwave345 (Heatwave345) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 08:40 pm: Edit

hi guys

well i revised my essay, actually it's a complete makeover. tell me what u guys think

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A Second Chance

I am very lucky. Normally, American-born citizens do not think of themselves as lucky for having an opportunity to live in the United States, but they should. I was born in China and, although I did not know it then, I was lucky when I moved to the United States when I was about seven years old.

In Chinese culture, you’re either successful or you’re not, no middle class separates this. If you’re lucky enough to have rich parents or you’re smart enough to go to a college, then you’ll probably be successful, otherwise you’re career would probably be in a sweatshop. The latter would probably what I would have been if I had stayed in China. Elementary school in China did not involve drawing, painting, and such; it went straight to the basics such as reading and math. I tied hard, but I ended up being a very lousy student and I kind of became the “dumb” one in the class.

When I started school in the United States, I was shocked. Every day, my homework time took no more than ten minutes and the subjects in school were really easy. I did have troubles with English at first, but even catching up wasn’t a very difficult task. For the first time in my life I was actually considered smart and that encourage me to try hard throughout middle and high school.

Currently, as a high school senior, many opportunities are open to me. But if I had stayed in China, I would probably be just “average” and part of the working class. Moving to the United States and experiencing this new culture gave me confidence and stimulus to try hard and it was the luck i needed.

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Pls check my grammar as well, it is probably my weakest aspect. kinda sucks that college admissions don't base part of their decision on a math related question. lol

thx in advanced

By Abz1986 (Abz1986) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 09:58 pm: Edit

Wow I have a similar past (Was also born in Beijing, PRC... moved to United States when I was 6).

For your essay, I say you put more personality in it. From what I got, you're a kid from china who was considered dumb but suddenly became smart.

So What?

By Abz1986 (Abz1986) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 10:34 pm: Edit

I forgot to mention the part about it giving you "stimulus" to try hard, but the essay still somes banal to me.

Sorry I can't provide that much help. I'm also a math person