Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

"Armadillo" was the title of the book. There was a man with a paper bag covering his head, like what we all wish we could do when we get embarrassed, on the front cover. But this man was embarrassed throughout his whole life. Not because he was a loser, or a weirdo or he had speech impediments, but ashamed of who he was, a Transnitrian gypsy immigrant. He went to such a great extent to hide who he was that he officially changed his name, so that no one would... (to be continued)

__________________________________________________

thanks all! love ya

cheers,
heartfang2(used to be known as heartfang)

By Heartfang2 (Heartfang2) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 10:08 am: Edit

ok, the person in this book is gonna relate to me.. like how i feel now..

Erm... I haven't done the rest because I thought that if this begining wasn't worth salvaging, I won't pursue it.

It's going for MIT . So be harsh. Tell me to scrap it if it's bad.

cheers,
heartfang2(used to be known as heartfang)

By Fairyofwind (Fairyofwind) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 10:15 am: Edit

Hmm... awkward constructions. Lack of parallelism. Come on...

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 10:39 am: Edit

Yeah . . .

Didn't flow well. No parallel structure. No one knows what 'Transnitrian' means or would bother looking it up.

By Calidan (Calidan) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 01:27 pm: Edit

there's a lack of diverse vocabulary...and sentence structure variation. rework the sentences and use a thesaurus. : )

By Fairyofwind (Fairyofwind) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 10:05 pm: Edit

Oh yea and for future reference, use as few to be's as possible

By Almostdone (Almostdone) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 05:46 pm: Edit

the first two sentences are pretty good tho, i like.

By Momof2 (Momof2) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 08:46 pm: Edit

What's the prompt? I think it has potential. I always tell my kids to write EVERYTHING they think of first, edit later. If the thoughts are good, you can always dress up the vocab and sentence structure. Most of the time, I can't say exactly where I am going until I get there. It's a lot easier to re-write an intro after you've made your point and had a stab at the conclusion. The intro is usually the last thing I write, actually. So don't stop writing now!

That said, if you MUST tinker with the intro:

"Armadillo" was the title of the book - a man with a paper bag over his head graced the cover. I think we've all longed for a paper bag at embarrassing times...