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This is a very rough draft, and I've written about a few other topics too but this is the only one that I think came out semi-decent. Tell me what you think I need to fix or if I should just scrap the whole thing.


The summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school, I decided that it was time for me to get a job. I applied to at least a dozen local shops and restaurants, but only one was willing to hire a fifteen year old girl with no real prior work experience. That place was the legendary fast food giant, McDonald's. As a vegetarian since age six, this opportunity didn't sound exactly appealing to me, but it was job and I needed the money. For the most part, the job was pretty basic. Drop the fries, take the orders, deliver the customers their Big Macs and McChickens, count the register drawers, train an employee newer than myself, make an ice cream sundae, and other such menial tasks. I never really got to know my coworkers. Most teenage employees worked for a couple of months and then disappeared. Even the managers were rather transient. However, there was one exception to this rule. His name was Craig.

I first met Craig when I applied for the job. He conducted my interview and told me that I could start as soon as I filled out my working papers. The first thing I noticed about him was that he was missing his front tooth, but he was friendly and I was thankful that he decided to hire me. The first few days on the job, he watched out for me when I made mistakes and stopped the older employees from harassing me when I overdid the fries or couldn't find the correct boxes in the storage room. Over the next few months working there, I realized that Craig worked nearly double the number of hours compared to any of the other managers. Still, he always had the most energy and patience with his crew. Sometimes he would even pull out his own wallet to order in pizza for his employees. And whenever there was a customer who made an order but then came up short on cash, Craig pulled the rest of his money from his own pocket to compensate.

As my first year working there passed, I began to get to know Craig better. I learned that McDonald's was just his day job. As soon as he finished closing at McDonald's, he changed into another uniform and became a cab driver. He quite literally worked nearly twenty-four hours a day, and slept only on Saturday nights. I also began to get to know his family, for occasionally his wife would stop by and chat for a bit. Sometimes she brought Rebecca with her, their newborn baby. Rebecca was beautiful. She had the most adorable dimples in her cheeks. She was thin though, for such a small child. I knew her family could never quite make ends meet. It seemed so unfair. The most kind hearted person I had ever met doomed to such a hard life. And he was brilliant as well. He could speak Spanish fluently, yet had never taken so much as one class in Spanish language. He simply picked it up from his Spanish-speaking coworkers. It was not his fault that he was uneducated. He grew up in the inner city, and his family could barely afford to put food on the table, no less send him to college. He once told me how proud he was when he graduated high school. He took a double curriculum in order to graduate one year early. I looked down. I felt ashamed in his presence. I could someday leave McDonald's and go off to college. I didn't have to struggle the way he did.

After meeting Craig, I stopped rolling my eyes when the lady at the ice cream shop gave me the wrong flavor. I started volunteering at a local hospital. And I became far more staunchly politically liberal. I started arguing with my dad when he complained about how the graduated income tax is far too unfair to the top of the social totem pole. When my classmates started complaining about how affirmative action discriminates against "the poor white kids," I quickly found myself in heated debates. And when anyone dared crack a joke about the "fast food low lives" flipping burgers at McDonald's, that person got a piece of my mind.

By Sac (Sac) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 06:31 pm: Edit

Don't scrap this essay. I like it a lot. You come off as observant, willing to learn, empathetic, someone who can grow and change, and as someone then willing to stand up for the opinions you formed. Only suggestions might be to get into it a little faster, by trimming the first paragraph some. And, I think you could talk about arguing with your dad's point of view without giving yourself a particular political label.

By Mariellergram (Mariellergram) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 06:56 pm: Edit

Thanks. I'll make those changes,

By Andrew (Andrew) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 07:02 pm: Edit

Nice essay but I would leave out the part about being liberal and arguing with your dad altogether. In fact, it doesn't flow with the rest of your essay and gives you a negative image as does the last sentence. Avoid negativity or anything that can be connotated as such. In this essay, you should only esteem Craig without deprecating people who look down on him because that adds another dimension which can be construed as your being bitter, although I'm sure it isn't. very well written on the whole though, just the last paragraph needs to have a positive tone as it is your departure from the reader and the reader is left with your negative image. Other than that, I thought it was very good and not trite even though the subject often lends itself to that - it didn't this time!

P.S. I worked at Mc Donald's for two years until I turned 16. I had a similar experience not as similar but I agree with you.

P.P.S. I am classified by many as ultra-right wing, wealthy - so don't make the mistake of assuming that being liberal means that you want to change the world for the better. A political label never means that, maybe it doesn't even mean anything? Would you say that someone who believed that hard working people shouldn't be desperately working several jobs to support a family and did something about it is a liberal/republican/or a whateveran, or would you say they were a good person? See my point? I know you're a good person based on your essay not because you're a liberal, that detracts from who you are by classifying you into a group, like any group there are bad people who lower the value of such associations but being called a person of merit obviously never has that connotation because of its inherent nature.

P.P.P.S. Why did you count the drawers? Company policy is that only a manager or someone on probation can count drawers. Haha, caught you there!

P.P.P.P.S. That was a wickedly good essay and I think you're great in spite of my negative comments.

By O71394658 (O71394658) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 07:22 pm: Edit

Yes, very well done. I think you should alter your sentence structure a bit to make more clear, declarative sentences. The last paragraph should also change. It sounds sort of typical. After I met him I did this and this and this. Kind of "eh". But otherwise, very well done.

By Sac (Sac) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 08:25 pm: Edit

I actually like the fact that you stood up to family political opinion to argue something based on your own experience. I think colleges might like to see someone able to think on his or her own. And I think your sentence structure is fine. It's you. I can see the point that many essays do end with the sort of epiphany yours does. Still, it comes off as genuine to me -- probably precisely because you did express your new views at home rather than just in an essay for an adcom. I do, as I mentioned earlier, agree that you shouldn't label your political opinion, just express it.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 08:38 pm: Edit

I think this is very well written and that you have talent. However, you may want to change some of your wording. The idea that I personally got from it is that you defend the unfortunate against the fortunate. This is good but a little too good. Don't come off as such a good person that it is hard to believe. Show that you are not absolutely perfect. For example, you may want to say that you were hesitant to work at McDonalds for reasons other than being a vegetarian. I don't want you to bash yourself because that would be dumb, but if you act like such a pure and decent person it comes off as fake. Maybe I am just cynical, but you should water it down a little. It is like "look at me, i defend the underdog. In my spare time I enjoy adopting puppies and bringing joy to the elderly."


As I said before you are a good person with great talent. Just don't come off as to perfect to believe.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 08:43 pm: Edit

"but it was job and I needed the money"

You forget the letter 'a' in there.

"but it was [a] job and I needed the money"

Much better. I liked your essay . . . it was well written and creative. I agree with Andrew and would take out the part about your liberalism and you argueing with your dad. Hope I've helped.

By Mariellergram (Mariellergram) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 10:15 pm: Edit

Thanks guys. Okay, I'll take about the part about liberalism.

Alimshk, LOL. I never would have noticed that. thanks.

By Mariellergram (Mariellergram) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 10:26 pm: Edit

Thanks guys. Okay, I'll take about the part about liberalism.

Alimshk, LOL. I never would have noticed that. thanks.

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 10:00 am: Edit

I don't like the sound of "menial" tasks.
It kind of makes me think that you look down at physical labour, which you do not....but then that's just my opinion.
Great essay!!

By Mariellergram (Mariellergram) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 10:55 am: Edit

Yeah...I was thinking of changing that Rashmi. I think I will. Thanks.

By 1214 (1214) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 11:32 am: Edit

KEEP THE LAST PARAGRAPH AS IS ... trust me, it shows u have perspective. It's you and it's honest: keep it. Awesome essay ... trim the first paragraph, remove "menial" as rashmi said. And you'll definitely impress the ad coms of your unis.

By Longhorn (Longhorn) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 04:09 pm: Edit

Wow... nice essay Mariellergram. Pretty good and made me wonder about so many such poor unfortunate people I know. Don't modify it too much because it comes through very nicely the way you wrote it. You could talk a little more about yourself, though.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 04:17 pm: Edit

What exactly does meeting Craig have to do with volunteering at a hospital? It seems that you are just trying to throw that in.

By Dumbuket (Dumbuket) on Thursday, September 04, 2003 - 11:27 pm: Edit

Your essay is incredibly well written, self-aware, thoughtful, poignant... basically, it's perfect. It's powerfully character driven, it's not self-absorbed, and yet you still manage to make it deeply personal, while handling it all with a maturity and finesse that I can't help but admire.

Don't listen to any of these people; don't change the essay a bit. One thing I've learned from high school is that any piece of writing really is unfinished; if you have enough self-doubt, (which I don't recommend too highly), you can revise any piece of writing into oblivion. What you have here is a genuinely good essay. Rework it as little as possible. If you have to change it, do what I like to do: have someone else read it aloud, and listen to it to make sure it sounds as good as a speech as it does in your head. After all, when you read other people's writing, you're saying it in your head, aren't you?

By Y17k (Y17k) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 06:43 am: Edit

hmm...
read the essay to yourself a couple of times, and you'll see where it sounds kinda strange

e.g.
"As a vegetarian since age six"

this sounds better if its "as a vegetarian since the age of six"

other than this, i like it alot... it doesnt have lots of •••••••• SAT words, and its interesting

good job

By Rosiebabe5 (Rosiebabe5) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 06:13 pm: Edit

"As a vegetarian since age six, this opportunity didn't sound exactly appealing to me, but it was job and I needed the money. For the most part, the job was pretty basic."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there a misplaced modifier here? The word following your clause should be the word the clause is describing. For example:

"A vegetarian since the age of six, I wasn't thrilled with the idea (or whatever)"

instead of

A vegetarian since the age of six, this opportunity-- because the opportunity isn't the vegetarian, you are.

I may be wrong, but oh well! Good luck!

By Rosiebabe5 (Rosiebabe5) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 06:16 pm: Edit

I forgot to mention that its a great essay!

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 10:25 pm: Edit

You should do something about your first line-it's not catchy enough.

By Mariellergram (Mariellergram) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 01:21 pm: Edit

I'm not too great at grammar, so you are probably correct. Thanks for the help.

By Rosiebabe5 (Rosiebabe5) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 12:12 am: Edit

Also, for the sentence:
"He quite literally worked nearly twenty-four hours a day, and slept only on Saturday nights."

Get rid of one of those modifying words. quite, literally, nearly all in one sentence is a bit wordy.

I agree about the opening sentence, but the opening paragraph as a whole is great

By Mariellergram (Mariellergram) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 07:07 am: Edit

Okay. I'll try to make some of those changes.

By Atpchik (Atpchik) on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 10:58 pm: Edit

Wow, for once a thoughtful essay that doesn't try to attract attention with cheesy attention getters. When I first read your essay I was like great another teen whining about working her butt of for make-up and nailpolish. But wow you're essay took an unexpected leap. AMAZING...you capture the human spirit very well Don't change ANYTHING!

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 04:07 pm: Edit

"never quite make ends [meet]."

-You mean [meat].

-Wonderful essay

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 04:10 pm: Edit

"staunchly politically liberal."

-Sounds awkward

"fast food low lives"

-I would say "fast food low lifes"

-The ending is kind of abrupt, I would add a few sentences maybe

Again, I thought your essay was incredible - well balanced, and well written.