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“Don’t touch me Lance. Lance, don’t touch me!” The pain was so great. The throbbing pulses of immense pain rhythmically pounded though my body. Summoned by the intensity of my scream, the trainer ran to my aid. Down on the ground, Lance tried to manipulate my injured leg. It seemed impossible to me that my high school sports career would be over. I was told by the most qualified doctors that reconstructive knee surgery was all I had to look forward to. I questioned their logic. How could someone other than myself determine the needs of my body? Many said I lied to myself, I say that I lived in hope. With a ninety percent chance of a complete ACL tear, I left the medical center with a ten percent chance of uncertainty with which to hold on to.
For the next two months I watched the soccer games from the bench. Although at the time I was playing soccer, more importantly, I was training for a summer fully scheduled with tennis tournaments. Tennis is my sport. Unfortunately, soccer took tennis away from me. That hurt me more than the idea of obtaining this injury while playing tennis. I had nothing to validate my hard work. I saw my rankings disappear. In spite of this, my passion for tennis has grown immensely.
Unable to cope with the thought at first, I tried to remove myself from high school tennis. I refused to let anyone know the severity of my injury. I told myself that if I truly could not play, I would do nothing to aid the team. To be honest, I was bitter. My number one singles accomplishments from the previous year would remain unnoticed. Even more angering, my spot was to be handed to someone rather than vied for. I felt dispensable.
Slowly I saw the error in my feelings. If I was so passionate about the sport, why was I so reluctant to help? Once I reorganized my feelings, I realized there were many ways that I could contribute to the tennis team. The JV team lacked talent and technical direction. Offering my services and knowledge would be welcomed by both coaches. I decided to take this opportunity and run with it.
For three months I found myself on a tennis court five days a week. Ironically, a racquet never touched my hands. In spite of not being able to hit or practice with them, I still found ways to help effectively teach them. Much of tennis is mental. I instilled in the girls that winning comes in many forms. We won physically on the court. I won mentally. I overcame my bout with denial and put my focus where it needed to be, sharing my gift with others.

Thank you for your considerations.

By Almostdone (Almostdone) on Monday, September 01, 2003 - 04:15 pm: Edit

nice content, shows good stuff about you...

some little things i suggest fixing:
-"Although at the time I was playing soccer, more importantly, I was training for a summer fully scheduled with tennis tournaments. Tennis is my sport. Unfortunately, soccer took tennis away from me. That hurt me more than the idea of obtaining this injury while playing tennis. I had nothing to validate my hard work. I saw my rankings disappear. In spite of this, my passion for tennis has grown immensely." this part is a little unclear, and if i understood it correctly (soccer took your time away from tennis practice, so ur tennis skills diminished?), it isn't a necessary part of this essay.

-" I felt dispensable. " rephrase?
-"Once I reorganized my feelings, I realized there were many ways that I could contribute to the tennis team. " a little too much telling and not showing
-"I overcame my bout with denial and put my focus where it needed to be, sharing my gift with others." you can nix this altogether, and just end with "i won mentally," because your original last sentence is telling not showing, when u have already shown it through your actions described before it. hope that made sense. =P

good job!

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Monday, September 01, 2003 - 06:04 pm: Edit

“Don’t touch me Lance. Lance, don’t touch me!” The pain was so great. The throbbing pulses of immense pain rhythmically pounded though my body. Summoned by the intensity of my scream, the trainer ran to my aid. Down on the ground, Lance tried to manipulate my injured leg. It seemed impossible to me that my high school sports career would be over. I was told by the most qualified doctors that reconstructive knee surgery was all I had to look forward to. I questioned their logic. How could someone other than myself determine the needs of my body? Many said I lied to myself, I say that I lived in hope. With a ninety percent chance of a complete ACL tear, I left the medical center with a ten percent chance of uncertainty with which to hold on to.
For the next two months I watched the soccer games from the bench. More disappointingly, I watched months of tennis tournaments pass. I did not feel the urge to play soccer again. However, it was painful to watch others continue to progress in their tennis while I counted the days to my surgery. Soccer was a hobby, tennis was my bread and butter. Truthfully, I felt empty, almost depressed. However, I knew there had to be a way to continue to grow in the sport.
Unable to cope with the thought at first, I tried to remove myself from high school tennis. I refused to let anyone know the severity of my injury. I told myself that if I truly could not play, I would do nothing to aid the team. To be honest, I was bitter. My number one singles accomplishments from the previous year would remain unnoticed. Even more angering, my spot was to be handed to someone rather than vied for.
Slowly I saw the error in my feelings. If I was so passionate about the sport, why was I so reluctant to help? Once I reorganized my feelings, I realized there were many ways that I could contribute to the tennis team. The JV team lacked talent and adequate knowledge of the game. Offering my services and knowledge would be welcomed by both coaches. Beyond the drills and coaching points, I could help to mentally prepare these girls. I decided to take this opportunity and run with it.
For three months I found myself on a tennis court five days a week. Ironically, a racquet never touched my hands. In spite of not being able to hit or practice with them, I still found ways to help effectively teach them. Much of tennis is mental. I instilled in the girls that winning comes in many forms. We won physically on the court. I won mentally.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Monday, September 01, 2003 - 08:17 pm: Edit

Here is another rewrite:

“Lance, don’t touch me! Lance, don’t touch me!” The pain was overwhelming. The quick twist and sharp snap have left me with a rhythmically throbbing pain in my knee. Summoned by the intensity of my scream, our team trainer Lance had raced to aid me. He tried to manipulate my injured leg. I left the field unable to walk on my own.

It was incomprehensible to me that my high school sports career was in jeopardy. Although two esteemed orthopedic surgeons had diagnosed my knee as having a complete ACL tear, I doubted their diagnosis. Some say I lied to myself; I say I lived in hope.

For months following my injury and subsequent surgery, I watched from the bench as my soccer teammates played. More disappointingly, I watched as months of missed tennis lessons, tournaments and opportunities to hone my game passed. Tennis had been a large and gratifying part of my daily life. Truthfully, I felt empty, almost depressed.

I made a conscious effort to remove myself from high school tennis. I refused to let any know the severity of my injury. I told myself that if I could not play tennis, I did not want to watch my teammates on the court. To be honest, I was bitter.

As more time passed and the emptiness grew larger and larger, I slowly saw the error in my thinking. If I were so passionate about the sport, why was I so reluctant to participate? Once I rethought my options, I realized there were tennis opportunities for me.

The junior varsity tennis team lacked experienced and knowledgeable players. I had always enjoyed playing tennis, why not help others to enjoy it as well? Offering my services, I was welcomed by both tennis coaches as a student assistant coach. Beyond the drills and coaching points, I helped to mentally prepare these young players for tennis success. Much of tennis is mental.

For three months I have found myself on the tennis court six days a week. Ironically, a racquet has never touched my hands. In spite of not being able to hit with them, I have improved their physical condition, taught them the game’s fundamentals, and bolstered their confidence. I have watched with pride, from the side of the court, as my players have won matches against more experienced opponents.

My high school tennis season is not one of wins and losses on the court. Rather, it is one filled with new experiences of coaching. I see my girls physically win on the court. I see myself stronger, winning mentally.

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Monday, September 01, 2003 - 08:20 pm: Edit

I like it. It shows your passion for sports and also explains why your accomplishments may have dropped off near the end of high school.

What colleges are you applying to>

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Monday, September 01, 2003 - 08:57 pm: Edit

MIT, Cornell, Dartmouth, Wellesley, and UofM

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Monday, September 01, 2003 - 10:01 pm: Edit

Bump

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Monday, September 01, 2003 - 10:50 pm: Edit

I really like your essay and topic. I can relate to it. I have a daughter who also plays soccer and tennis! Also, I tore my ACL (skiing). But your essay caught my eye because, while my senior has not started the essays yet, one idea she has contemplated (truly has not brainstormed quite yet) is how last year, she could not play soccer after playing her whole life, and instead of wallowing in that, she created a new opportunity by coaching youth soccer and ended up loving that as much. She just made varsity soccer as goalie last week and while delighted, she knew that if she had not gotten on the team, she would have gone back to the soccer coaching that she found out was just as rewarding to her afterall. It was sort of a win win situation. While she perservered to get onto varsity this fall, she really gained a bunch last fall when she did not get to play. Anyway, her situation, though for different reasons, is a little similar to yours and I think you have portrayed it well. It tells a bunch about you.

I hope you get into some of your preferred schools. You must be a really good student! I do not see any safety schools on your list. Anyway, your essay shows promise. Make sure you have some readers read it near you and see if it needs fine tuning. But you surely have a very good basis as it stands.
Much luck to you.

Susan

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 08:55 am: Edit

Bump

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 01:02 pm: Edit

The last rewrite is very nice. It is nice to see a well-written sports' essay that is not full of cliches. I think that anyone who has played sports and had to cope with injuries will understand your emotions.

I think that it is a remarkable essay. Simple and moving without unneeded melodrama. The best of it is that it sounds very true. Bravo!

PS: I refused to let any know the severity Just a small detail ... did you mean anyone?

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 05:51 pm: Edit

Bump

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 08:48 pm: Edit

I liked it. Much, much better than the original. It's great to see an essay about sports on your M.I.T app . . . it's so much more appealing than talking about math/science/competitions that 99% of M.I.T applicants talk about.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 09:10 pm: Edit

Are there any suggestions that could be made?

I changed some areas a bit, perhaps this sounds a little better.

“Lance, don’t touch me! Lance, don’t touch me!” The pain was overwhelming. The quick twist and sharp snap have left me with a rhythmically throbbing pain in my knee. Summoned by the intensity of my scream, our team trainer Lance had raced to aid me. He tried to manipulate my injured leg. I left the soccer field unable to walk on my own.

It was incomprehensible to me that my high school sports career was in jeopardy. Although two esteemed orthopedic surgeons, with ninety percent certainty, had diagnosed my knee as having a complete ACL tear, I doubted their grim diagnosis. Some say I lived in denial; I say I lived in hope.

For months following my injury and subsequent surgery, I watched from the bench as my soccer teammates played. More disappointingly, I watched as months of missed tennis lessons, USTA tournaments and opportunities to hone my game passed. Tennis had been a large and gratifying part of my daily life. Truthfully, I felt empty, depressed.

I made a conscious effort to remove myself from high school tennis. I refused to let anyone know the severity of my injury. I told myself that if I could not play tennis, I did not want to watch my teammates on the court. I found it emotionally painful to realize my tennis goal had become a “what if” scenario. To be honest, I was bitter.

As more time passed and the emptiness grew unbearable, I slowly realized the error in my thinking. If I were so passionate about the sport, why was I so reluctant to participate? Once I rethought my options, I understood there were tennis opportunities for me.

The junior varsity tennis team lacked experienced and knowledgeable players. I had always enjoyed playing tennis, why not help others to enjoy it, too? Offering my services, both tennis coaches welcomed me as a student assistant coach. Beyond the drills and coaching points, I helped to mentally prepare these young players for tennis success. Much of tennis is mental.

Over the past three months, I found myself on the tennis court six days a week. Ironically, a racquet never touched my hands. In spite of not being able to hit with the players, I improved their physical condition, taught them the game’s fundamentals, and bolstered their confidence. I watched with pride, from the side of the court, as my players won matches against more experienced opponents.

My high school senior tennis season is not one of personal wins and losses on court one. Rather, it is one filled with new experiences of coaching. I watch my girls physically win on the court. I see myself stronger, winning mentally.

Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Thank you.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 05:32 pm: Edit

No offense, but the opening quote sounds like you were being raped by someone named Lance. I'm being totally serious, not trying to be funny or make a joke. I would consider changing your opening quote.

By Ndbisme2 (Ndbisme2) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 06:09 pm: Edit

I totally agree with Alimshk.

"No offense, but the opening quote sounds like you were being raped by someone named Lance."

But I'd keep it anyway. It grabs the reader very well!

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 07:51 pm: Edit

Bump

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 08:33 pm: Edit

The quick twist and sharp snap have left me with a rhythmically throbbing pain in my knee. Summoned by the intensity of my scream, our team trainer Lance had raced to aid me. He tried to manipulate my injured leg. I left the soccer field unable to walk on my own.

Check your tenses...snap have left me seems out of place.

Truthfully, I felt empty, depressed. Unless you have a reason to use the choppy style, I would suggest to drop one of the commas ... Truthfully, I felt empty and depressed.

I would not change the attention-grabbing introduction. But, I am a guy and may lack the sensitivity required to make a connection with a sexual assault.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 09:32 pm: Edit

Thank you,

I thought that sounded incorrect myself, but I did not change it. I will make those corrections.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 11:54 pm: Edit

Right now, I think it is well written!
Susan

By Mirror2080 (Mirror2080) on Thursday, September 04, 2003 - 09:38 am: Edit

Nice essay. But I will recommend that you should use prefessional writing services. I personally prefer http://www.excellentpapers.com

I ordered my admission essay from them and I was accepted in both universities.

just wanted to share with you!

John

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 11:50 am: Edit

Bump

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 01:05 pm: Edit

Blurred~

Just a small tidbit ... You may want to get a second opinion on this sentence:

"If I were so passionate about the sport, why was I so reluctant to participate?"

I am not 100% sure but I believe that after "I were" one would expect to see "I would". However, I would try to get the opinion of a more experienced writer and check the rules for conditional and subjonctive uses. Hopefully, TheDad will see this

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 02:22 pm: Edit

Thanks, I'll check on that.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 02:30 pm: Edit

Yes, Xiggi is right. Change 'was' to 'would be'
Hope that helps.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 04:49 pm: Edit

Thank you

By Argilospsychi (Argilospsychi) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 05:47 pm: Edit

Mirror:

You ordered your admissions essay?
What are the universities you got into?

By Neo (Neo) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 05:58 pm: Edit

Blurredepiphany, I like the essay. It's short, sweet, and to the point. Most of all, it's not about science, or math, even though you're applying to an engineering school. That's going to score some automatic interest points with the adcoms. You're emphasizing the fact that you have a life unrelated to school, and that's a very positive statement.

However, concerning the sentence:
"If I were so passionate about the sport, why was I so reluctant to participate?"

The "were" should be changed to "was". Subject/Verb agreement's lacking -- you don't say "I were" (at least not correctly); you say "I was." Apart from that, it looks fine.

Cheers :^)

By Argilospsychi (Argilospsychi) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 06:05 pm: Edit

If you send in two essays to these schools, write one about academics. I'm serious.

It is tempting to write about other things to make you look interesting and different, but everyone writes *something* to do that.

Show that you're extracurriculars are important to you, but stress academics above all else.

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 06:50 pm: Edit

^^^^^
Bad advice

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 07:02 pm: Edit

The "If I were ..." sentence is puzzling.

One hand, this is an usage:

We use the subjunctive all the time to accommodate this human urge to express possibility, the hypothetical, the imagined. Frequently, conditional expressions require that we use were where we would otherwise have used another form of to be. The switch to "were" is not the only manifestation of the subjunctive in expressing the conditional, but it is the most common.

* If my brother were my boss, I wouldn't have a job today.
* If I were to lose my job, I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. [Notice how this is more uncertain, more "iffey," than "If I lose my job, I won't be able to pay my bills."]
* If I were eight feet tall, I'd be one heck of a basketball player. [The subjunctive is sometimes to express purely imaginary situation.]
* If I should grow to be eight feet tall, I'd be a great basketball player. [This statement seems even more imaginary and unlikely.]

On the other hand, is this really a hypothetical situation and does the sentence need that construction?
The subjunctive mood is used in dependent clauses that do the following: 1) express a wish; 2) begin with if and express a condition that does not exist (is contrary to fact); 3) begin with as if and as though when such clauses describe a speculation or condition contrary to fact; and 4) begin with that and express a demand, requirement, request, or suggestion. A new section on the uses of the Conditional should help you understand the subjunctive.

She wishes her boyfriend were here.
If Juan were more aggressive, he'd be a better hockey player.
We would have passed if we had studied harder.
He acted as if he were guilty.
I requested that he be present at the hearing.

And then, there is this:

In expressing a conditional situation, we must be able to distinguish between what is a factual statement and what is a hypothetical statement. (Other terms for hypothetical could be unreal, imagined, wished for, only possible, etc.) For instance, if we say

"The dog is always happy when Dad stays home,"
that's a simple statement of present habitual fact. A general truth is expressed in the same way:

"If the sun shines all day, it gets hot."
Statements of habitual fact can also be made in the past:

"If we ate out at all, it was always in a cheap restaurant."
And conditional or hypothetical statements can be made about the future:

"I will give you a call, if I fly to Phoenix tomorrow.
(In the future, we could combine the base form of the verb ("give," in this case) with other modal verbs: may, might, could.)

/perplexed

By Argilospsychi (Argilospsychi) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 07:55 pm: Edit

xiggi:

why is it bad advice?

By Nealp (Nealp) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 08:00 pm: Edit

get rid of the passive voice where possible

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 10:24 pm: Edit

wow, thank you very much.

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 12:21 am: Edit

Your essays are the LAST place to discuss your academic results. The adcoms know how to read the transcripts and applications. The last time I checked I thought that all applications had spaces to list your EC and scores.

The essay is probably the only opportunity for an applicant to depart from the lifeless list of accomplishments. It is the place where you should show what makes you tick, how you feel, and express yourself in YOUR style.

Rehashing your list of scores, awards, or Ecs, or discussing the academic potential of the ...college is really the last thing you should consider.

By Argilospsychi (Argilospsychi) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 02:29 am: Edit

naturally.

but you can explain/descibe what a paticular subject or academic experience meant to you.

For example, I wrote about ceramics and being a girl on the football team when i should have written one essay about the extremely selective and advanced science research apprenticeship i did.

By Argilospsychi (Argilospsychi) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 02:35 am: Edit

And Blur:

the beginning of that essay *really* does sound like someone being raped.

the name lance (though that's probably his real name) sounds like something out of a soap opera or bad novel.

the words rythmic and pulsing have a sexual connotation
yes, it grabs your attention, but if i was an admissions officer it would really put me off.

change it.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 08:01 am: Edit

Lance is his real name. Perhaps I should reword it a bit, but I doubt that the admissions officer is going to read into the words incorrectly. Also, I identify that I tore my ACL, that should easily explain the terrible "rythmic and pulsing" pain I had.

By Argilospsychi (Argilospsychi) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 04:50 pm: Edit

If several of us read into it incorrectly, it is likely that the ao would also read those first two lines incorrectly as well.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 04:54 pm: Edit

True. I would seriously consider changing it. It's better safe than sorry.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 05:32 pm: Edit

It definitely does sound like rape.

By Neo (Neo) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 05:34 pm: Edit

Ditto on that...when Alimshk mentioned it, a light went on in my head, because that's the part of it that struck me as strange (the whole "Lance, don't touch me" part).

Take out rhythmic and pulsing, and don't use the word pain in successive sentences. Also, you might consider changing his name to Joseph, or something a tad bit more conservative than "Lance". It'd look a lot more appropriate.

Pretend you were taking this essay to your principal, or your dear old grandmother. Take out anything suggestive.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 09:28 pm: Edit

Bump

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 11:00 pm: Edit

Take out anything suggestive.

And also take out everything that is catchy and grabs the attention of a reader!

Do you really think that the adcoms are a bunch of morons who would confuse a soccer accident with a rape? Gimme a break! As far as taking it to your grandmother ... the key to college admission essays is "Know your audience".

You really should invest some time in researching the subject of admission essays. Advising someone to "sanitize" an essay to the extreme is like telling telling the Iron Chefs to drop the salt and spices and pretend that "insipid" and "vapid" are the new norms.

Blurred, I believe that you have reached the point of diminishing returns for opinions on the CC board. Your essay is fine.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 11:09 pm: Edit

Xiggi, it is on a subconscious level that it affects us. You have to know your audience, right? If the AO is a woman, what happens then? She sees it is a great essay, but there is just something about it that rubs her the wrong way. She will know she doesn't like it, but won't know why.

Instead of Don't touch me Lance. Lance, don't touch me! Use something else.

Maybe something like "I can't move it! Lance, don't touch me."

By Valpal (Valpal) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 12:23 am: Edit

I totally disagree with your assessment of Blurred's first line, especially since she presents a sports injury as the reason for her outcry immediately. The demand not to be touched is absolutely appropriate, given the circumstances. I see no reason to change it.

Mirror, it really leaves me flabberghasted that you show absolutely no shame over "buying" your college essays. Do you openly lie on a daily basis? Most colleges have an honor code, which you are expected to sign as a condition of metriculation. To appreciate the value of an honor code requires a minimal amount of personal integrity---something which you seem to lack in total. If the schools to which you applied knew that your essays were purchased, don't think they would have admitted you for one minute! What are you future ambitions, political office?

P.S. Do you believe in Karma?

By Tuannguyen (Tuannguyen) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 12:49 am: Edit

I like the first line. It does give you a weird taste at first, but if the essay's read in it's entirety, it gives a refreshing aftertaste that lasts much longer than if it were to change.

I enjoyed the shock factor. It makes us guess. I liked that.

I'm just saying, if you like the first line, keep it, don't fall into pressure. Take the advice as it is, and take in what you feel is best.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 09:00 am: Edit

Thank you for your input.

By Blurredepiphany (Blurredepiphany) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 09:43 pm: Edit

bump