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Hi, I am applying to 4 schools via the common application. There is one question about how much a certain EC activity means to you and why. I wrote my essay about playing on my sports team. It turned out to be a little longer than I hoped but I edited it down (it still may be long). If you don't mind could you read it and give me some imput. I am not sure that it makes any sense. It makes sense to me. I've had other people read it but I think they may know me too well to give a good judgement. Thanks in advance!

Playing field hockey was the best decision I ever made in my entire life. Many kids will say that being on a sports team was great because they learned how to be part of a team, set goals for themselves and overcome obstacles. I learned these important lessons, but then again so does everyone who participates in any group activity.
Field hockey was the first thing that I feel I really succeeded at without having a talent for it. I wasn’t a horrible player but I never won the all-star or MVP awards. I ran my hardest and always came in last. I hung on my coach’s every word and still didn’t understand some things. I read books about the sport, was a regular visitor to the United States Field Hockey Association’s website, went to games at the local universities and will never play at a division I college.
I always felt that I was accomplishing something but it was not confirmed until senior year when I was elected by the other members of my team as a captain. The other girls that were elected had been league all-stars and MVPs. I took my role as a leader on the team extremely seriously. I strived to mimic and surpass the behavior of the captains who had come before me whom I held in such high regard. I greeted the freshman in the hallways to make them less nervous about their new school and spent time outside of practice and games with everyone on the team. I set a good example and encouraged my teammates to stay away from the big parties on the weekend that got people into trouble and gave them reputations. I gave my whole self to the team all the time. For four years I felt that I was achieving something everyday and it gave me a great sense of fulfillment.
What exactly have I accomplished? Well every year that I played on the team we made it into the Massachusetts State Tournament and every year I was on varsity we won the Hockomock League Championship. Two of those years we went undefeated. However I never scored a goal and barely ever made great plays so those awards were not directly from my participation. I was happy, though. I can honestly say that I was happy when I played. At certain moments, after a big win or a good joke, I realized the purest form of joy a person can experience. The most important thing I got from being on the team was bliss and that is something great because there are people who spend all their time and money trying to achieve it. I accomplished happiness and I can take that with me for the rest of my life.

By BBB on Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 10:27 pm: Edit

Sounds kind of close to the classic, "The Big Game" essay despised by admissions essay readers. Check that book by Bauld.

By Darren on Friday, November 22, 2002 - 01:47 am: Edit

No, not really. There are certain topics that lots of applicants use. This is one of them. However, she made it a good essay.

By jamescook on Sunday, November 24, 2002 - 10:39 pm: Edit

i'm working on my commonapp too and i think your essay is really good cause there's a little humor in it also which never hurts. i was wondering whether anyone here has any information about using one of those online professional editing services??!! the best one i found so far is superapply.com which is a little cheaper than essayedge.com which also looks good. i also saw this site called ivyleagueadmissions.com which is like a joke cause they charge a thousand dollars just to read your essay. but does anyone have any advice about getting online help? thanx

By _0_ on Sunday, November 24, 2002 - 10:40 pm: Edit

Does it have to be less than 500 words or can you go over?

By Reasoning on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 08:27 am: Edit

They give you about two inches of space for that question, which is really not intended to be an "essay" but rather is more in the category of a "short-answer" question. Don't say more than you can type into the space they give you.

By _0_ on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 09:25 pm: Edit

Sorry, I feel like an idiot now. I was referring to the actual essay question section. Anyways, does anyone know if it can be over 500 words?

By Musketeerlady (Musketeerlady) on Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 10:00 pm: Edit

I think it can go over a bit. Usually they don't count I,we a, an... But 20-30 words over is the limit, I think. Experienced admission officer will know if you stray too far off.