Rashmi's Essay





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: August 2003 Archive: Rashmi's Essay
By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 08:19 am: Edit

My Earliest Recollections

“Go-Jari, Go-Jari…Go Jari Go Go” met Mr. and Mrs. Ekka’s ears as they wearily walked up the stairs to their one-room flat on the fourth floor after a hard day at work. As they came near the door and the song-Go Jari became louder, their tired faces started smiling. When they walked in through the door they saw a scene for the first time. A scene, they continue to see even today and it always has the same effect-the healing effect.

Standing in front of their music-system was their two and a half year old daughter-Rashmi, whom they lovingly called Reshu. Reshu was standing with her hands on her hips and was screaming and singing along with what played on the music system-the song Go-Jari.

This is most probably one of the magical moments for my parents, but for me it is my very first memory. Go-Jari was one of the first songs I learnt that was not a nursery rhyme. It wasn’t really my first brush with music- I had been listening to it since Day-1 of my life (my parents tell me so), but yes it was the first time, I actively took part in it. The passion for music never developed – it was there right from the very beginning.

My first brush with fame came along a couple of months later. Surprisingly it wasn’t because of music. My nursery school-“Little Elves”, had organized a fancy dress competition. The girls were supposed to dress up as brides of their religion and the boys were supposed to dress up as He-mans and G.I.JOES. That day I went to school with a light baby pink gown and a beautiful veil adorning my head. I was the Christian bride, complete with my bouquet of flowers. And I won the first prize. That’s when I first experienced the thrill of winning-the thrill of being an achiever.

By now I had started noticing that a couple of my friends had brothers and sisters and I wanted one for myself. Luckily my parents had been planning to have a second baby. When my parent told me that they would have a second child, I was delighted. Right away I decided that the baby would be a girl and I will name her Richa (Ahhhhh…my first prophecy!). And soon enough a little girl did come along and she was christened Richa. The possibility that I could have a brother instead of a sister didn’t even enter my mind and today I’m pretty pleased that a brother wasn’t born because then I would have still got him christened as Richa.

On her first evening at home, quite a few guests had come to meet my mother and little Richa. For a minute or so, she was left alone in my room and that’s when I went in to make my first assessment of her. She was lying in a corner of the room, peacefully sleeping in her cot. I walked in, went straight to the cot, put my hands on my hips and stared straight at her face. And believe me, I didn’t like her one bit. She looked like an ugly baby with a lot of wrinkled skin. I was also disappointed because I was not allowed to play with her. “What’s the use of having a sister if you can’t play doll with her” – I thought.

Even today the memory of this incident makes my entire family dissolve into giggles. Whenever Richa and I have a tiff-I just have to say that I never liked her much – right from the very beginning and then there we both are on the floor, laughing till we cry.

Equipped with my very own sister and my “Go-Jari”, I started studying in Sacred Heart Convent School. A few days later, I didn’t want to go to school. There was really no reason for that. My parents insisted that I go to school and so I pulled off my first real four-year-old-tantrum. Even though I was crying as loud as a four year old can (which is pretty loud) my dad took me to school. He carried me to my class and by this time I was hitting him as hard as I could (thankfully that wasn’t very hard). Quietly my father transferred me to my class teacher-Ms Amy’s lap. After a few minutes, I noticed that I was no longer wetting my dad’s shirt (with my tears), nor was I hitting him. I was doing al those horrible things to my teacher. I was horrified. That’s when I learnt that there were certain things in which you had no choice and school was one of them. My parents had started calling Rashmi.

In school I took part in a lot of songs and dance and plays. Even then, I often got the chance to sing solo. One of my strongest memories is of me singing “Drummer Boy” for the Christmas play. I was dressed in patched up clothes and I had a small drum and I pronounced Jesus as ‘Jejus’.

Another year or so and my parents came to school during the recess and whisked me off to Ranchi (a 3 hours drive from my city) to my grandparents home. They told me that my Grandfather had gone to live with God. I had a vague idea about what death was by watching television. But the real thing was something quite different. It left me cold. I cried. I knew that none of my loved ones would be there forever and so I should never take them for granted.

These were some of my earliest and strongest memories. I have learned a lot from them and I am still learning. Right when I was born I was called “Reshu”. Then I became “Rashmi. Today everyone calls me “Rash”. I am waiting for the day, when I will change again and maybe then the four years spent in your college will be part of my fondest memories.


For those of you who actually went through the entire thing-first a pat on the back and a big hug. Thanks a lot.
This is my first draft and I spent barely 40-50 minutes thinking it out and then penning it down.
Could you please answer the following questions and also please critique it as harshly as possible.I promise that I wont feel bad!!

1)Is the Topic good enough???
2)How much does it tell about me??
3) If the answer to the first 2 questions is "good", then could you please suggest a few places where I should edit my essay. I realize that it is very long-1002 words to be precise.

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 09:16 am: Edit

Ok..I'm trying to be patient....

By Emma (Emma) on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 09:41 am: Edit

As for 1), i'm English so i don't really know too much about what topics are good or not for these things. I liked it but there is quite a bit of editing that needs to be done to crisp it up (i know it's a quick first draft so this is fine).

A few things to change:

"and I will name her Richa" - why is this present tense?
"because then I would have still got him christened as Richa" - this doesn't read well, try re-phrasing it
"These were some of my earliest and strongest memories" - should be 'are'

(I only read it quickely so i'm sure there are more.)

Remember:

"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell."

o so true quote

By Clickspring (Clickspring) on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 12:14 pm: Edit

Well, I'm not going to say that writing about your earliest memories isn't appropriate for a college admissions essay, but isn't it a bit cliche, over done? In your essay, you have the opprotunity to tell adcoms anything about your life, yourself, and what you will bring to their campus. Do you really want to chose to tell them your earliest memories, out of infinetly many topics you could choose to write on? I'm not saying that your essay is bad or that your topic is a bad idea, but I would encourage you to reconsider what you want to write about and why you want to write about it.

By Almostdone (Almostdone) on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 01:29 pm: Edit

well, it wasn't dull. i must say i enjoyed hearing about your memories. but the thing is...for a college essay it doesn't have enough...structure. you're all over the place and reach no definite point. How about keeping the topic of your memories but making it just ONE memory - and develop that to make a stronger point. for example, i don't know if this is true, but you could start off with that first memory of yours and then keep going with the "i love to sing" theme and show how that has become and important part of your life. Or you could write about the memory of your little sister being born and coming home, adding a specific conflict or something you went through with her and how she has helped you grow as a person. etc.

also, i like your writing style in general, it isn't too serious or flowery, but not boring either - however, there are several parts which are awkward or too casual.
example "This is most probably one of the magical moments for my parents,but for me it is my very first memory." - i know what your trying to say, but it sounds...weird. the "but" isn't the right transition. sorry i can't think of a way to fix it. maybe nix it altogether. and there are some more - have several people read it for you and i'm sure they'll find them.

hope i helped, and remember this is all just my opinion.

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Thursday, August 07, 2003 - 06:21 am: Edit

Thanks for all your opinions........anybody else??

By Cheershopgrl (Cheershopgrl) on Thursday, August 07, 2003 - 06:09 pm: Edit

It is very well written, except there is a part where you wrote "al" instead of "all." The thing is, there really is not a big conclusion... I don't think it'll leave the admissions people remembering this story, write about something that makes you...you!

I really like the writing style, but I think some parts were redundant.

By Meowmeow (Meowmeow) on Friday, August 08, 2003 - 02:01 am: Edit

"lernt" and a few extra commas were the things I noticed in the first few paragraphs. I didn't get to much more of it, but I'll be sure to come back to it later.

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Friday, August 08, 2003 - 07:28 am: Edit

People please don't look at the spelling mistakes-I'll run it through some word thing and get all that straight. What I would do like is more input on the matter and like I said before-
1)Is the Topic good enough???
2)How much does it tell about me??
3) If the answer to the first 2 questions is "good", then could you please suggest a few places where I should edit my essay. I realize that it is very long-1002 words to be precise.

By Rossler (Rossler) on Friday, August 08, 2003 - 09:20 am: Edit

it seems like a biography of your childhood years. If I were an admissions officer, I would not be interested in such a topic. You should talk about your recent life. Scrap it and start again.

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Sunday, August 10, 2003 - 12:38 am: Edit

Anybody else has anything more to say????......please!!!!

By Cookyd (Cookyd) on Monday, August 11, 2003 - 10:45 am: Edit

rossler is right. write something about your recent life. even i could write about my childhood, how i learned to potty train or something. how bout some activity you participated in that changed you?

By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Monday, August 11, 2003 - 10:30 pm: Edit

I rather liked it. Your sweet nostalgia is catching. Maybe you could try to put in a unifying "lens" or theme for all the events?

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Tuesday, August 12, 2003 - 05:52 am: Edit

Nice idea folk hero.I'll surely try it-because deep down there I really don't wanna trash this essay.


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