|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 06:19 am: Edit|
Yes - its late and I decided to do some writing..one of those weird light night epiphanies. The topic was: Explain any experiences that are not seen on the application that define you as a person...
The information enclosed within this essay is highly classified. People mistake me for an average person when I am undercover, I however am far from average. I am a world class ballerina. I woo women with the twinkle of my toes and baffle crowds with my sheer grace. Critics worldwide swoon over my classical skip and twirl. I am also a world renowned sumo wrestler. I incorporate my soft and tender Ballerina skills into my sumo wrestling. Men rave over my cute leotard and my elegant style of wrestling.
In Italy I have stood on street corners allowing my floetry to add poetic flavor to Italian neo-souls. I am an expert in love. I have brought worlds together and peace to the middle east. I have saved Canadian villagers from raids of crickets. During my lunch break, I have made negotiations with terrorists threatening to use massive amounts of anchovies on our pizzas. I am a poetic genius and sheep herder.
I have super powers. I can see through walls and elevate massive vehicles with the mere strength of my pinky. I can fly way above our atmosphere. I can speak over one hundred languages fluently. I am the president of the United States, praised by my people. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place; I jumped from a frying pan into a blazing fire. I am fast as lightening and smooth as silk. Iíve rolled the dice with a snowballs chance in hell.
My world is backwards the things I dream are the things that I achieve.
|By Nymom (Nymom) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 09:40 am: Edit|
|By Serene (Serene) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 10:03 am: Edit|
Sounds suspiciously like Hugh Gallagher's essay. Be original.
|By Carolyn (Carolyn) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 12:52 pm: Edit|
I agree with Serene. This one is way too close to the famous college app. essay that's been published everywhere. Even if you didn't use that as your underlying inspiration, adcoms will think you plagerized. Does the name Blair Hornstein ring a bell?
|By Momof2 (Momof2) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 12:59 pm: Edit|
On the other hand, it's a good exercise for you - as long as you DON"T submit it anywhere. (Did you see "Finding Forrester"?) It's a much freer expression than when you are worked up for the dreaded ESSAY.
By the way, did you receive my email?
|By Apguy (Apguy) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 02:53 pm: Edit|
Do not send that in, there is some obvious plagarism here.
The real essay says: "Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. "
Your says: "Critics worldwide swoon over my classical skip and twirl."
That is WAAAY to close. If you are going to model your essay after that one don't borrow so many of the ideas. But I agree, everyone knows about that essay and it does not seem too unique.
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:12 pm: Edit|
Yeah I obviously was inspired by Hugh...I didn't even know i was copying his line there....I just read over his essay like 4 hours before I wrote it and that line must've stuck in my head.
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:18 pm: Edit|
Mine is different nonetheless - you know when people get "inspired" by those essay books? I don't understand how this any different, aside from the fact those essays are not "famous" they're "average" and everyone uses them. Why not just take a risk? Who cares? They're my own words. They can't get me for plagarism, aside from like 1 or 2 lines that I accidently copied..without knowing it..that I will obviously change. WHAT IF AT THE END I SAY I'VE DUG BAMBOO ROOTS AND SAVED NATURAL HABITATS...THEN I'LL ATTACH THE "BAMBOO" ARTICLE THAT HAS A BIG PICTURE OF ME AND INFORMATION ON THE WHOLE BAMBOO PROJECT...
|By Twinkletoes696 (Twinkletoes696) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:22 pm: Edit|
I thought you said *I* inspired your essay. ;)
|By Apguy (Apguy) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:35 pm: Edit|
People read those books in order to get an idea of what an essay is like, what worked and what didn't, the level of humor you should have and ways to show academic interest. Modelling your essay so closely to that essay to the point that most people here realized that you clearly have read Hugh Gallagher's essay is not a good thing. Rather than showing admission officers anything about you or your uniqueness, they will see one of the most common essays circulating the net and books today. That is just not impressive. And honestly, the essay doesn't work well without the ending "But I have never been to college..." That was where everything tied up in that essay, it was like the punchline. You lose that and the essay seems much weaker. That original essay was meant almost as a mockery of how much college admission officers expect out of us nowadays. This doesn't really seem to follow this same path. An article about bamboo digging or whatever seems to be obscurely placed into your essay.
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:39 pm: Edit|
It'd be humorous, because that was the only true accomplishment in my essay..Twinkle Toes..I think I should just go back to the whole Sumo Ballerina idea, I'm trying to mock the fact, you can't actually get to know someones personality within 2 pages of writing..but I need to show that better somehow.
|By Twinkletoes696 (Twinkletoes696) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:45 pm: Edit|
LOL... I *liked* the sumo ballerina idea... it was funny. But you still have time to tweak your essay so just play around with it You may get more inspiration later.
|By Apguy (Apguy) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:54 pm: Edit|
"It'd be humorous, because that was the only true accomplishment in my essay.."
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 04:29 pm: Edit|
Just to bump this thread to the top, I thought my last sentence was hella cool, because I was thinking of craps...and I thought about a snow ball not being able to survive the hot heat of hell..thats deep.
|By Dwayne_Hoover (Dwayne_Hoover) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 04:55 pm: Edit|
very good simile
|By Serene (Serene) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 05:20 pm: Edit|
true, true. that simile is nice.
but it's still an unoriginal essay =)
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 06:06 pm: Edit|
Serene I think you're the whole reason I wrote this, because you posted something about Hugh. You've openned up new doors to me. Quite frankly, i'm sick and tired of all these uniform conformist essays...all straight line. I'm going to think of something huge! It's original in a relative manner, that no other kids would write something like that. You've got to take RISKS to get somewhere and if I did submit something like this, i'd just be rolling the dice with a snow balls chance in hell! Besides Cal Poly doesn't even look at essays...so I figure i'll just give my reach schools some crazy, yet masterful essay.
|By O71394658 (O71394658) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 06:57 pm: Edit|
That isn't crazy. It isn't risk taking. It's BOOORING and an obvious copy of someone else's work.
You could take risks if you want, but if I was an adcom and I saw that essay, I would throw your app in the garbage...
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 09:33 pm: Edit|
Do you think it was a risk for Hugh? Hell yeah it was. How is that not risk taking? What makes it soo BOOORING in general? I was just want to verify if boring to me is different it is to you; Luckily you're not an adcom and hopefully you'll never be one.
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 09:36 pm: Edit|
In addition: how would you define risk taking?
|By O71394658 (O71394658) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 09:36 pm: Edit|
Ha. It was a risk for "Hugh", but it isn't a risk for you. I wonder how many essays like this colleges get? Probably at least a 100. This essay has probably been duplicated by thousands of potential mindless college applicants across the globe.
All you're doing is copying someone else's work (not really plagiarism, but pretty darn close). It shows terrible judgment and a strong lack of creativity. Thus, you come off as boring and trite.
I'm not saying you are boring or trite, but the essay makes it seem so.
|By Carolyn (Carolyn) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 10:01 pm: Edit|
Sirmoreau, for a moment, forget about being creative.
It's funny because so much about YOU comes through in all of your posts to the cc board that I feel like I almost know you, but not a lot of YOU comes through in any of the essays you've posted so far. Put that cc voice in your essay and adcom's will take notice. Maybe even do a search through the archives and read some of the things you've said and written about here in the past few months for ideas (the choice between family pressure and making your own road in life comes to mind, for instance). Adcoms aren't looking for "Creative" so much as they're looking to get to know YOU in your essay. The real risk lies in having the courage to reveal yourself, warts and all.
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 11:10 pm: Edit|
Thank you Carolyn.
I prefer parents comments much more than the students, maybe it's a hormonial thing. Most students on this board, say stuff like you SUCK and your essay is CRAP, without giving any positive suggestions or constructive criticism. My essays either lack creativity or originality and are well written, on the other hand when they are creative/orginal they are poorly written. I can't seem to meet in the middle, ever! But i'll get there..and..i'll keep posting until i've finally got that perfect essay.
|By Carolyn (Carolyn) on Wednesday, July 16, 2003 - 01:00 pm: Edit|
Sirmoreau - That's the spirit. Again, look through some of the posts you've made here on Cc --- there have been some things that really stuck out in my mind that you've said so I think you might find an essay inspiration in there. Write with your true voice, the one you use in many of your posts on the parent's board. That voice often shows a good deal of maturity and depth. Good luck!
|By Winterfresh (Winterfresh) on Wednesday, July 16, 2003 - 01:17 pm: Edit|
whats up with this Blair Hornstein girl? i dont follow the news like i used to lol
|By Serene (Serene) on Wednesday, July 16, 2003 - 01:40 pm: Edit|
Winterfresh: there is like a Blair Hornstine thread in every forum. Just read through them *_*
|By Winterfresh (Winterfresh) on Wednesday, July 16, 2003 - 01:45 pm: Edit|
lol thanx i acutally did some researching on the girl just now. im glad she's not going to Harvard or any school.
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