What you all think of this essay?





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Discus: College Admissions: December 2003 Archive: July 2003 Archive: What you all think of this essay?
By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 07:49 pm: Edit

Each bar appeared more menacing than its predecessor. Towering almost five feet above ground and located directly opposite the newly constructed seesaw, the monkey bars were my ultimate fear. The freshly painted apparatus glistened in the sun, taunting me. To some people the monkey bars were just another fun thing in the park. To me, however, the bars were a phobia, a piece of my childhood memory that had been left unfinished. Tentatively, I approached the bars as each step I took seemed to drag me down farther and farther into the sand. Slowly, I stepped up with my front leg and anchored myself on the series of bars.
I was doing it. The ground was moving beneath me as slowly I made my away across. Only a couple of bars loomed in the distance now. I reached out to touch the last one when my mom could no longer support my unusually large body. I fell to the ground, all fifty pounds of me. For a split second, I lost all sense of direction and could not make out any audible sound from my mothers moving lips. “Nak… Nak… NAKUL,” she yelled. The last word echoed in my mind as everything returned back to normal; almost as if a movie had just been unpaused.
This vision remained instilled in my mind as I hung from the monkey bars. It was almost ten years later but the same memory loomed in my mind. My course on the monkey bars was novelized because I had no eager parent there to help me. There was no one there to catch me if I missed (even though last time wasn’t much of a success anyways). However, in my mind I was determined to do this for myself. My legs barley hovered above the sand yet my only adversary was the distance from my eyes to the endless sand. Cautiously, I made my away across the first set. Everything was a lot easier this time around. No pain. No surprises. As I approached the last bar, I couldn’t help but look back at the tremendous distance I had covered. I felt like running out to my childhood friends and telling them that I actually had made it across without any help. The only person I was able to satisfy was myself.
It’s a funny thing, but life can be a lot like the incident I experienced. We live our early years under the guidance of our parents. They look after every problem we can encounter leaving nothing for us to discover on our own. Going back to the park and challenging myself was something I had to do for myself. It was the first time I solely fixed a problem and the chief motivator behind it was my prior failure. It was difficult for me to see the other kids my age fly through the monkey bars but in a way I was fortunate enough to learn one of life’s lessons a lot sooner than most.

By Serene (Serene) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 07:57 pm: Edit

"It was the first time I solely fixed a problem" isn't that a bit exaggerated?

somehow i don't like "We live our early years under the guidance of our parents. They look after every problem we can encounter leaving nothing for us to discover on our own.".... first it's a bit too absolute (there is much more to discuss), and it sounds too "educating"? hmm... other than that... i guess the rest is good.

By Beaubourg (Beaubourg) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:29 pm: Edit

Let's see. The monkey bars tower five feet off the ground and you are unusually large. Ten years later, you are presumably larger. Just how far off the ground were you? A foot? An inch? An adcom might feel that simple problems overwhelm you.

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:42 pm: Edit

what i was going for was something small that i overcomed..since most people write only about huge things i was just tryin to be a little creative about a problem i had..these suggestions are very helpful though as i am welcome to all views on the matter..ty

By O71394658 (O71394658) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:55 pm: Edit

Well...first I must say this is very well-written. It is original, and rather creative.

But, I would tend to agree with the first two posters. You use adjectives like "chief" "first time". These are very strong adjectives for monkey bars.

Seemingly, you tend to dramatize the monkey bars. You can say that it was an accomplishment, but proclaiming it was your both your biggest failure and your biggest accomplishment might make the adcoms believe you live a very sheltered lifestyle.

But overall, great essay.

By Carolyn (Carolyn) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 09:17 pm: Edit

How about adding something about how you've often thought back about the monkey bar incident in facing obstacles in your current life - and give a few brief examples? (making the decision about colleges and moving on out of high school seems like a good comparison perhaps?)

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 09:19 pm: Edit

sounds good carolyn..thanks

By Fartleksue (Fartleksue) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 09:23 pm: Edit

Check the sentence:
...I missed (even though last time wasn’t much of a success anyways).

Why do you use the word "anyways"? Shouldn't it be "anyway"?

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 12:27 am: Edit

bump


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