RATE MY ESSAY





Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Discus: College Admissions: December 2003 Archive: July 2003 Archive: RATE MY ESSAY
By Blahblahblah (Blahblahblah) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 06:56 pm: Edit

Hey guys..this is my unedited essay. I wrote this in like 15 minutes...Seriously..So some of it may sound crappy.
TOPIC: Imagine that your a director and you can produce a movie, What would the topic be? what title you would give it and why? and what you hope your audience can take from it..
OKAY HERE IT GOES!

As I open up my yearbook, I see pictures of my classmates and I having a blast during school games, in the cafeteria, in the hallways, and even during class. As always, I carefully scrutinize each picture in the yearbook, looking at every detail and noticing the obvious things about everyone—their hair color, clothes, how they have changed appearance wise, etc. But as I look closer, I realize that my classmates are not unified. They are separated by the color of their skin. In fact, the only reason my classmates might even consider considering themselves as one are because they go to the same school and or they are graduating the same year.
I flip the page, and there is a huge picture of students that are in the stands during the biggest football game of the school year. At a distance the picture appears to be a huge blob of separated colors. As I look closer, I see the black people in one corner, the whites in the center, and the Asians and Mexicans in another corner. Even though times have changed and problems of race have dramatically been reduced, racism still exists today especially in schools Quite Frankly, it makes me sick to think that people still segregate themselves away from other races. Therefore, our country and even the world in a greater extent are obviously not doing enough to solve this problem. As a result, I believe that if I were a director, I would make a movie about this very serious issue. I would call it “The Fight to Unite”.
In my school last year, a group of students, including myself” campaigned the slogan, “Fight to Unite”, throughout our school. Homecoming night, we all marched-- black students, white students, Asian students, etc, as one into the stadium and chanted, “We’re orange and blue (school colors) not black or White, Fight to Unite!” I remember feeling very proud because our school had stepped up and voiced our opinions about the way we felt. Therefore the title of this movie would be a contintuation of my school’s effort to end disunification in schools. We all must stop racism quickly because if we don’t, more and more people will grow up ignorant and not realize the gift of diversity. I personally believe that racism is the key reason why there is no peace on earth. The fight to stop racism should start with educating the youth of America about this issue because they are the key to the future. If people take the time to learn about other cultures, a lot of conflicts could be prevented. My movie would not be just about facts and solutions on how to end racism in school. I would try to make it catchy and something that high schoolers could relate to. Being a High School student myself, I know that students are willing to change and unite; the only thing that is stopping us is encouragement. I believe that a good movie with a well-written story and a modern plot line could catch the attention of many people and encourage people to go out and do something about disunification. Movies are a very popular form of entertainment for not teenagers alone but for all ages. Not every movie has to be about romance or about aliens invading the earth; movies can be about the important issues of life. Therefore, I hope that my movie helps people realize that everyone is different. The differences among us are what make life more interesting. I also hope that my audience would take away a new viewpoint on how movies can advantageous in solving serious issues.

Hey be critical, so i can make it the best i can. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

By O71394658 (O71394658) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 07:23 pm: Edit

Um...I don't want to sound too harsh. But this essay is terrible.

Firstly, this essay has many quirky or idiosyncristic things that just annoy.

Point 1: Fix your grammar. You have many run-on sentences in addition to many sentence fragments.

Point 2: Show, don't tell. You say - I'm going to do this, and this, and this. But you don't show how. What is the movie going to be about? High school kids marching down the field during a football game? SHOW how the movie is going to change people's attitudes. You use passive and "sitting-on-the-fence" verbs like "could" and "maybe". Be assertive.

Point 3: It simply lacks creativity. You use that "voice" that is present in every cliche essay on the planet. I can't even describe it. That drone, boring prose that almost puts me to sleep. I bet the college you're applying to put this essay in because they were tired of reading "describe your academic interests" essays. This is an essay shouting "BE CREATIVE!" You aren't. You instead launch into a much-expected tirade about rascism and your "Fight To Unite" Program. (College adcoms could easily see this in your activities listing...so why are you talking about it in an essay? It reveals nothing new about you. If it isn't in your activities listing, adcoms will think you presumed it isn't important enough...or that your dedication to this activity was minimal).

Little things:
-You use "etc.". Don't use that in an essay.
-You also say "Mexicans". This is the world of PC. Say "Hispanics" instead.
-Fix your conclusion, and DEFINITELY your opening.
-Alter sentence structure.

By Serene (Serene) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:01 pm: Edit

Yeah. Racial segregation is a bit trite. =\
It can still be done.

What I don't like is the structure in your last paragraph...

"What movie would you make" --> "My movie would be about..."

"What you hope others would learn" --> "I hope my audience..."

Too uniform.

But the essay question is very interesting... Lucky lucky. What school is this for?

By Encomium (Encomium) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:02 pm: Edit

This was one of the worst essays I've ever read.

I only read paragraph one

As I open up my yearbook, I see pictures of my classmates and I having a blast during school games, in the cafeteria, in the hallways, and even during class. As always, I carefully scrutinize each picture in the yearbook, looking at every detail and noticing the obvious things about everyoneÑtheir hair color, clothes, how they have changed appearance wise, etc. But as I look closer, I realize that my classmates are not unified. They are separated by the color of their skin. In fact, the only reason my classmates might even consider considering themselves as one are because they go to the same school and or they are graduating the same year.

You have so many grammar errors in there:

As I open up my yearbook, I see pictures of my classmates and I having

As I open up my yearbook, I see pictures of my classmates and me...

(would you say I see (...) I having?)

As always, I carefully scrutinize each picture in the yearbook, looking at every detail and noticing the obvious things about everyoneÑtheir hair color, clothes, how they have changed appearance wise, etc.

As always sounds dumb. Who says...I was scrutinizing the photographs in the yearbook as I always do? it makes no sense.

You have a misplaced modifier in there I think--the yearbook wasn't looking at every detail and noticing things about everyone.

your pronouns and antecedents don't agree either...noticing every*one* and noticing *their*???

But as I look closer, I realize that my classmates are not unified. They are separated by the color of their skin.

It just doesn't sound right. It's trite.

I don't feell like doing it anymore, it sucks.


This essay makes me happy cause it makes me realize I have a better chance since I can actually write.

By Beaubourg (Beaubourg) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:04 pm: Edit

You know, it's awfully easy to be on the side of the angels.

By Crystal_Baller (Crystal_Baller) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:06 pm: Edit

the topic is cliche and the grammar is really bad. the first sentence alone throws it way off.

By Serene (Serene) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:07 pm: Edit

good point encomium!

if you "always scrutinized" your yearbook, you would have spotted this problem a long time ago.

By O71394658 (O71394658) on Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 08:44 pm: Edit

Blah:

I'm honestly not trying to sound harsh, but I'm just disappointed. From what I'm gathering, this is an interesting question. The college you're applying to is tired of seeing the same essays over and over. This is their attempt to remediate that. Yet, all you seem to do is turn it around into a horrible trite and cliche essay. This is a FANTASTIC opportunity to show off some writing skills and personal qualities, yet you bore us with one of those "world problems, and how I can fix it". It really doesn't even hit close to home. There is little detail. You use weak verbs like "could". The grammar is poor. It seriously tells me nothing. Honestly, it tells me nothing. I tried to put myself in the admissions officer's shoes, and all I got out of it was that you highly regard racial issues, and that you participated in some type of anti-racial program on homecoming night (easily obtained by glancing at your transcript).

I'd love to help you revise it, and maybe help you organize it better, but this is your essay. If you want some ideas, just ask.


Report an offensive message on this page    E-mail this page to a friend
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only
Administer Page