|By Lme529 (Lme529) on Wednesday, July 02, 2003 - 01:49 pm: Edit|
hey i was just wondering what you guys thought of this. it was kind of a journal entry and sort of evolved into an essay. is it too incoherent? does it get boring and whiney? insights would be appreciated. and thanks for your time in advance. its 466 words.
ACT IV, Scene 536: I like HGTV.
Jean Paul Sartre, whom this essay is not about, once wrote: ďThree oí clock is always too early or too late to do whatever you want to do.Ē It is the aforementioned time on a Sunday and my Dad, who plants purple petunias, enters the living room. London, my purple petunia eating dog, is sleeping on the couch and snoring in this exaggerated way like a ridiculous cartoon character. I, who am not involved in the life cycle of the Ruellia brittoniana blossoming in my front yard, am watching television and reading Rolling Stone simultaneously.
My Dad: Sitter! You are still wearing your pajamas?
My Dog: (Drools).
Me (to my petunia eating dog): London, people call me a sitter like itís a bad thing. But some of the most influential people of our time have been sitters. Neil Armstrong made history when he sat in a rocket and went to the moon (granted the important part was probably his walking on the moon). The president sits when he addresses the nation--Sorry, didnít mean to get political there. Some of the most effective protests in the sixties were sit-ins. My favorite author, and yours too, sits when he/she writes. Unless he/she believes sitting might cut off the creative energy.
In Europe, they stand and walk a lot, but then again, they also have to go to seven different stores just to make a sandwich. The news is always telling us we are horrible and we donít get enough exercise, but isnít it true that the majority of reporters inform us from behind a wooden desk, and from atop a chair? Sitting is the great equalizer: height, weight, and inhibitions are all harder to detect whenó
Me (now to myself, since my dog has gone to kill petunias): I am not short. I am, however, an atrocious dancer. The problem is my feet, which are slightly pigeon-toed. Iíve tried dancing, and I still do it occasionally, but usually when in a ballroom/dance floor/disco/electric slide type of situation arises, I donít partake. Itís not that Iím afraid to dance, or am embarrassed. Itís simply that I am conscientious and donít want anyone to get hurt. Emotionally, that is.
Thankfully, I am a really good dancer from the waist up. This behavior is best witnessed when stopped next to me at a traffic light. I also dance while watching HGTV though. The introduction music to all the shows is soÖcatchy. And the shows would be soÖuseful, if only I were a newlywed couple looking for a fixer-upper in a safe neighborhood. You might want to sit down for this, weíll dance from the waist up for the next four years (because we donít want to hurt people). Emotionally, that is.
|By Mythspinner (Mythspinner) on Wednesday, July 02, 2003 - 02:48 pm: Edit|
I really like the direction you're going in with this essay, but I'd change some minor things and some huge things. Take the HGTV references out, or just say "the news" or something. Your intro line ("Jean Paul Sartre...") is excellent. You don't need the scientific name of the flower, it's excessive. "Why are you still sitting there?" or "Why are you lazing around?" or something would be better than the "Sitter!" business. Keep the "some of the most influential people of our time have been sitters", excellent again. Take "and yours too" out of the author sentence and hyphenate that sentence into the "unless" one. "Since my dog has gone to kill petunias" is really funny. Now for the huge things: stay on the sitting/laziness mode! Don't talk about dance unless you can find a much better transition from sitting down to dancing. Up until that, the essay's great.
Hope I helped, I'm new to this board.
|By Nealp (Nealp) on Wednesday, July 02, 2003 - 04:30 pm: Edit|
i guess an essay is supposed to say alot about you but it has little to do with you. you like to sit, you have fun with the english language, you dance well waist up, and you have a good sense of humor (at least to the middle aged adcom, i think?). otherwise, as a easy going and fun memoir/essay to read on a summers day in the shade of a palm tree, its good. except for the specific flower name like ther previous poster said.
|By Madrigal (Madrigal) on Wednesday, July 02, 2003 - 06:14 pm: Edit|
I think the scientific name is funny. Keep it.
|By Lme529 (Lme529) on Wednesday, July 02, 2003 - 07:52 pm: Edit|
i'm going to get rid of the dancing stuff, i agree it's not as strong as the beginning...thanks so much for actually taking the time to read it!
|By Rhino (Rhino) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 10:36 am: Edit|
i am probably missing something, but this essay goes nowhere for me. The most effective essays for adcoms begin with a hook that makes one want to keep reading and gives the reader a sense that getting to know the writer better would be interesting and fun. I get neither from this essay. Sorry, not trying to be harsh, just honest.
|By Serene (Serene) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 02:39 pm: Edit|
True, it does sound a bit like ranting about your favorites and unfavorites. If the key thing you want to show adcoms (I still don't know for what this is an abbreviation!) is your sense of humor, it's fine. But anything else?
|By Uncchlocalmayor (Uncchlocalmayor) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 02:40 pm: Edit|
once i saw the word "HGTV," i figured not to bother reading anymore of it.
|By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 03:28 pm: Edit|
(I still don't know for what this is an abbreviation!)
HGTV or adcoms?
|By Serene (Serene) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 03:34 pm: Edit|
|By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 04:26 pm: Edit|
adcom= admission committee
I don't know about HGTV though.
|By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 04:36 pm: Edit|
LOL - It's like Channel 229 on DirecTV. I know because my dad has it on most of the weekends.
Home and Garden Television.
Do not miss the special show on how to redecorate you HS locker with Martha Stewart shelves
|By Sirmoreau (Sirmoreau) on Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 08:56 pm: Edit|
It shows this person is passionate about history....the great sitters of our time.
|By Dazedanconfused (Dazedanconfused) on Friday, July 11, 2003 - 03:44 am: Edit|
Original, but you are gambling on a certain type of admissions officer to appreciate it. I don't know about Sartre, and definitely don't use the scientific name of the flower, that's too much. What I mean is that you have to find a balance that showcases your intelligence and other qualities without seeming too pretentious or egotistical. I haven't found that middle ground satisfactorily yet, but it's up to you. I commend you for taking the abstract approach. My frustration at this whole process has developed an inclination in me to write a completely irreverent, abstract essay, but my better judgement has kept me from it so far. I'm beginning to embrace this process, but only as long as I still have time to write the perfect essay. Good luck to everyone else suffering through their summers.
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