|By Hhboyji (Hhboyji) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 12:25 am: Edit|
OK, I totally need you guys' help - I moved to states, not knowing English like three years ago. I have huge grammar problem, and writing issues. I just suck, and I need someone to look it over for me. It's ten dollar essay for JHU early.
Any kind of feedback is appreciated.
With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so bald, that will knock peopleís socks off-watching a movie with my dad. Ok, maybe it doesnít sound so scary or appalling. But it surely does to me, since I have never tried that ever in my life.
I will go to the Blockbuster across the street, and pick up $7.99 previewed movie, the ones with actions rather than romance, the kind of movie he likes to watch. At least I think he does. Then Iíll pick up however many numbers of popcorns I can buy with whatís left of ten dollars, to have something to stuff in my mouth just in case things get awkward or too quite.
It goes long way back, me and my dad. I donít ever recall going to a movie theater or even having a friendly conversation with him. Itís always been about either my grades or how I could be better in every things I do. Sure, weíve done some things together, but they were all by obligations, not for our enjoyment as a father and a daughter. Thinking back, weíve given nothing but feeling of hatred and disappointments to each other, regardless of what our real intentions were.
We yelled and screamed. I cried and hated him. He demanded, I obeyed. He asked, I answered. I remember the endless days of crying and being depressed. So isolated and lonely, I even thought of doing something extreme. I believed I hated him, and couldnít wait to leave so I wouldnít have to see him everyday. But lately, things have gotten little different.
First, there is tennis that he started teaching me. He might be a unkind father, but a wonderful teacher. We run, swing, sweat, and sometimes laugh. Also, there is my car, Toyota 4Runner, loved by both my and my dad. We talk of engines, car maintenance, and how better my car is than my momís Elantra. I feel like I finally found ways to bond with him, but itís almost time for me to leave.
With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so badly that itís going to knock my own socks off, not to mention my dadsí. I will sit on a couch next to him, translating movie words by words, scene by scene. Maybe we will laugh, and I wouldnít have to stuff popcorns in my mouth to break the silence, instead it will be for my enjoyment. Thereís no guarantee that itís going to work, but maybe, this ten dollars will open a new beginning of relation between my dad and me. Just maybe.
|By Midwesterner (Midwesterner) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 09:24 am: Edit|
You know, I really liked this essay. It has something to say about fathers and daughters, and growing up and changing. Your writing style is kind of quirky, in a good way; it makes me want to know you better.
There are a number of small errors; some are plurals where they don't belong. "Popcorn" is always singular, whether you are eating handfuls or one kernel. "So bald" should be "so bold"; "numbers of popcorns" should be "packages of popcorn"; instead of "quite" you mean "quiet". And there are a few more.
However, I'd like to see you work through the central theme of the essay before you worry too much about the grammar. In paragraphs three and four, the dislike of your dad that you express seems pretty harsh. I believe that those were your feelings, but I don't think your dad has changed that much from your childhood. It's you who has changed. In the second half of the essay, take more time to examine what has happened to you and how you made that change. It will make the transition from paragraph 4 to 5 more natural.
"I feel like I finally found ways to bond with him, but itís almost time for me to leave." Add a little more here to explain how you feel about leaving. In the final paragraph, make "my enjoyment" into "our enjoyment", to suggest your progress. Good luck with your efforts!
|By Snuffles (Snuffles) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 11:17 am: Edit|
I liked it. Just clean it up!
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