International Student's Essay (comments invited)





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Discus: College Search and Selection: August 2004 Archive: International Student's Essay (comments invited)
By Avinash_Agrawal (Avinash_Agrawal) on Sunday, August 01, 2004 - 02:09 pm: Edit

hi guys..pls comment on my essay..its a bit on the longer side...but this is my first try ...i'll try to cut it short...any comments are welcome...thanx....


Why do people “fall” in love and not “rise” in love?

I believe that I “rose” in love unlike the traditional idea of falling in love. Like all great things, love is not planned. One cannot foresee that he is falling in love until it has happened. As for me, not only was I unprepared for love, I was not looking for it at all. My busy life, if I may call it, had never allowed me to ponder over the idea of having a girl in my life. However, love happened, and when it did, my life went topsy-turvy.

A carnival in an all girls’ school; compared to the other girls, a not-so-beautiful girl dressed in purple attracted my attention as though I were an iron nail and she the strongest magnet ever made. I did not have the guts to accost her that day and the carnival ended with me just glancing at her innumerable times.

A dance party at my school; the same girl caught my attention. This time I gathered the nerve to ask her for a dance. She cheerfully acceded. Five minutes later, I was standing alone. Till, today I’ve not been able to figure out why I stopped dancing with her.

But, she was in my thoughts every moment after that. I knew I wanted to know everything about her, get closer to her. I had noticed my roommate shaking a leg with her too. He would get me her contact. Her? Who’s ‘her’? Hold on! What was her name? Could I be stupid enough to dance with her and not ask her name? Yes I was!

“Could you get me in touch with that girl you were dancing with?”
“Who? Naina?”
“Umm. Yeah, Naina”
“Well, I could get you her e-mail address. You got to do the rest yourself buddy”
“That would suffice. Thanks.”

A cyber café in a busy mall; I mailed Naina a card which said, “I want to be your friend for life”.
“You have 1 unread message”
Ahh. A reply after two sleepless nights!
“We can certainly be friends, but I’m not sure about the ‘friend for life’ part”

Never mind. This much was enough for now. After exchanging several e-mails and sms’s, I could now say that Naina was my friend. My conscience somehow disagreed. Being a friend was not enough. My heart craved for more. I was in love and Naina was the perfect girl for me.

She liked soft music and played the guitar. I accompanied her rhythms with my drumbeats. She played basketball. Swimming was her hobby. She spoke too much (evident from the fact that our talks over phone lasted till 3 at night) but eloquently and sent everybody into fits of laughter with her witty jokes. Her acting was commendable. She was pumped up with adrenalin at the mention of outdoor treks She tried her best to get her plans working though none of them seemed to. She believed in living every moment to the fullest. In other words, she was Avinash with the opposite sex.
I had realized that I loved Naina, but I could not bring myself to let her know. I inwardly cried for her but never let her see the tears. I stopped taking interest in anything because Naina was not with me. In class, my thoughts went astray, my grades dropped and I never told my parents the actual reason.

High school came to and end. I met Naina the day she was leaving so I could tell her what I was going through. But, as she came near me, I felt weak in the knees and my feelings refused to give way.

28th March, 2004. 9 p.m. Bangalore International Airport. Naina is boarding her flight. I give her a call.

“Hello!”
“Hi Naina. I thought I’d give you something to think about during your flight. I love you Naina!”
Beep. Beep. Beep. The phone went dead.

I was left in suspense as to what she felt about me. There were no means of communication now. Forty-Two hours later, I got a mail from her with “sorry” in the subject box. My heartbeat accelerated. The contents of the mail were not in my favour.

“I’m extremely sorry Avinash but your roommate proposed to me before you rang me up yesterday and I accepted him. Please don’t feel bad.”

I could swear that I heard a cracking sound from the left side of my chest. I had lost in the battle of love.

Though I had failed, I still deem that I “rose” in love because it taught me a lesson. I learnt of the mistake I had made by withholding my feelings. I learnt that feelings are meant to be shared, not confined. I saw a new person in me; a person who believes that sharing one’s feelings can lighten the burdens in one’s life. Now, I believe that everybody should have someone in their lives with whom they can be themselves and to whom they unburden their feelings.

Naina, thanks for making this big difference in my life. I’ll wait for you with open arms. I will love you forever.

By Bettina (Bettina) on Sunday, August 01, 2004 - 08:33 pm: Edit

This is unusual and somewhat charming. By US norms the prose is overblown and florid. The english usage is somewhat dated and off-kilter in parts (shake a leg is a term my grandparents would have used to mean 'hurry up!', accost is more commonly used to show agression, learnt is not usual in the US, we use learned.)

This would need a lot of editing. At first I was mystified by this sentence "In other words, she was Avinash with the opposite sex." Then I see your name and I'm guessing that you are saying she is just like you, but female. This should be rewritten to be clear. But more importantly, as readers we don't really see this. You are describing her qualities, but never yours, so it is not clear to see. You just seem like an adolescent with a crush.

It seems that you are describing falling in love with someone you had barely met, so i don't think this shows maturity as a person, but it could be a cultural difference. You don't really reference how long or well you knew her. You just threw out a date 28 Mar 2004 with no other reference. And at the end, you lost her but remain 'in love' which is odd and (coupled with the 'friends forever' bit) vaguely creepy and stalker-ish.

By Bettina (Bettina) on Sunday, August 01, 2004 - 09:28 pm: Edit

Accost definition
http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/accost?view=uk

learned vs learnt
http://www.askoxford.com/asktheexperts/faq/aboutspelling/learnt?view=uk

By Avinash_Agrawal (Avinash_Agrawal) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 12:32 pm: Edit

Bettina: thanx for that feedback...

BUMP

By Justwannahelp (Justwannahelp) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 01:58 pm: Edit

yeah. I'm really sorry. But this is horrible. Seriously. the whole rose/fell in love thing does not work. you come off like a clingy creep.


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